I just got back to the big dirty from a month in Canada. Some picture posts coming up soon that even I’m moderately impressed with. In the meantime I’ll give you a horse of a different colour.

Normally I don’t ever get spam, because my mailbox is protected by the impenetrable shield of Gmail. Since I set it up all SMTP styles so that it delivers only the good stuff right to my mail program, junk mail does not exist to me. Although, in Canada, I was on my laptop and that doesn’t have a SMTP set up, so I used the web interface for Gmail. Like a pervert at a peepshow, I couldn’t help but take a look into the spam folder, to see what digital delights awaited. The usual stuff is all there; medications, cheap software, Viagra, degrees, porn and what have you. Nestled in with all that boring stuff, I noticed some hilarious subject lines that actually grabbed my attention for more than a split second, and nearly made me want to click on them. I’ve decided to dedicate a post to them, because whoever was doing the copy editing for the spammers was high on dope. I’m gonna put them into categories for easy perusal.

First let’s start with the gibberish. Everyone gets these little bastards, but what’s interesting about them is the words they use. While they mostly contain a repetition of random words that’s meant to fool spam filters into somehow thinking that they’re real emails, they also use lots of words that you and I have likely never heard before. Think of that, improving your vocab by reading your junk emails!

These are some of the great words I’ve learned thanks to a mere 3 spam emails.

hypertensive - noun, a person with high blood pressure
bathos - noun (esp. in a work of literature) an effect of anticlimax created by an unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous
Obstruent - noun
1 Phonetics a fricative or plosive speech sound.
2 Medicine a medicine or substance that closes the natural passages or pores of the body.
Impish - adjective
inclined to do slightly naughty things for fun; mischievous : he had an impish look about him.
Neptunium - noun
the chemical element of atomic number 93, a radioactive metal of the actinide series. Neptunium was discovered as a product of the bombardment of uranium with neutrons, and occurs only in trace amounts in nature. (Symbol: Np)
Acidulous - adjective
sharp-tasting or sour. (of a person’s remarks or tone) bitter or cutting
Nonagenarian - noun
a person who is from 90 to 99 years old.
calliope - noun
a keyboard instrument resembling an organ but with the notes produced by steam whistles, used chiefly on showboats and in traveling fairs.
Osteopath - noun
a branch of medical practice that emphasizes the treatment of medical disorders through the manipulation and massage of the bones, joints, and muscles.
Tuberculin - noun
a sterile protein extract from cultures of tubercle bacillus, used in a test by hypodermic injection for infection with or immunity to tuberculosis, and also formerly in the treatment of the disease.
Viscera - plural noun ( sing. viscus)
the internal organs in the main cavities of the body, esp. those in the abdomen, e.g., the intestines.
Denunciation - noun
public condemnation of someone or something. the action of informing against someone.
Multifarious - adjective
many and of various types : multifarious activities. having many varied parts or aspects : a vast multifarious organization.
Imbrue - verb [ trans. ] stain (something, esp. one’s hands or sword) : they were unwilling to imbrue their hands in his blood.
Sunder - verb [ trans. ] split apart : the crunch of bone when it is sundered.
Dapple - verb [ trans. ] (usu. be dappled)
mark with spots or rounded patches : the floor was dappled with pale moonlight | [as adj. ] ( dappled) dappled sunlight lay upon her straight brown hair.
noun - a patch or spot of color or light. an animal whose coat is marked with patches or spots.Homology - noun
the quality or condition of being homologous. Biology similarity in sequence of a protein or nucleic acid between organisms of the same or different species.
Amalgam - noun
a mixture or blend : a curious amalgam of the traditional and the modern. Chemistry an alloy of mercury with another metal, esp. one used for dental fillings.
Anthropomorphic - adjective
relating to or characterized by anthropomorphism. having human characteristics : anthropomorphic bears and monkeys.
Endogamy - noun Anthropology
the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe

Now for the subject-headlines. I guess these are set to work like tabloids at a grocery store where the headings jump at you and your then brainwashed into buying whatever magazine or paper they’re on. But seeing them all stacked on top of each other in my spambox was hilarious.

Political News

• “I Won’t Raise Taxes,” Says Schwarzenegger, “except For The Indians.”
• Breaking news: Bush is gay.
• Obama Is Anorexic Over-Exerciser
• Obama Comes Clean: “I’m a Proud, Elitist, Liberal Bastard”
• Obama Makes Appeal for Bitter White Midwesterners: “Let ‘em Drive Drunk!”
• BREAKING NEWS: Rapper 50 Cent To Be John McCain’s Choice For Vp
• Bush ‘Troubled’ by Gay Marriages. Declares San Francisco Part of ‘Axis of Evil’

Entertainment News

1. Shocking Video Shows Spongebob And Gay Sex!
2. Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina
3. Spongebob Denies Reports That Hes Gay - I got this exactly one week after the one above.
4. Awkward Moment for Fan Who Didn’t Know Heath Ledger Died
5. Batman & Robin: “We’re gay”
6. BREAKING NEWS: Damien Hirst pickles business manager
7. Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson
8. Paris Hilton Initially Denies Having Inverted Nipples
9. BREAKING NEWS: John Mccain Denies Allegations That He Is A Politician

International News

1. Switzerland To Be Devoured By Black Hole
2. Japan announces nuclear capability, China celebrates
3. Olympics-Wear ox pendant to avoid rat clashes, leaders

Strange

1. Release Of The Nancy Pelosi Sex Dvd Causes Mass Erectile Dysfunction In Us
2. Taxi driver abducts and eats passenger
3. I was a dork and now I’m bestfriends with Benjamin Franklin
4. Drunken man caught humping goat
5. Truth about bonzai kitties
6. Reasons for falling hard and fast?
7. Get the key to Pharaoh’s Tomb
8. Don’t want to buy their shops unknown them at strange stores?
9. Make your own supply of health.
10. Search on to find disappearing hedgehogs
11. High Fuel Prices Forcing Drunk Drivers to Trade Gas for Booze
12. Police Raid Donut City
13. BREAKING NEWS: God Accepts Responsability for Hurricane Katrina

Filed under: obscure