So I was in the Republic of Korea, recharging my body with enough soju to make it through another Joseon Dynasty. One way of staying there is by staying in what the Koreans call “Motels”. These places are also known as Love Hotels. They have them in Japan but I’ve never seen them in mainland China or anywhere else. After my stay at them, I certainly hope they spawn elsewhere. “What is a love hotel?” you ask. “Is it some place people go to fall in love with their soul mate and live happily ever after like in some cheesed out romantic comedy?” No dummy. It’s a place people go to have sex. They’re also great places to stay if your nocturnal activities involve sleeping.

In Incheon, they’re mostly located near the downtown core where the bars, clubs, izakayas and hofs are. Sneak your way into the neon jungle of the back alleys behind Bupyeong station and you’ll find more than you can shake a condom at. They have these ridiculous drapes that cover the entrances so that people can’t see you inside. But people can still see you walk/drive in…hah. It’s pretty obvious what you’re doing if you’re going into one with a girl. In fact I saw a few couples walk into them, and I had to restrain hard from shouting out “LOOK WHO’S GOING TO GET IT ON!!! WOOT WOOT!!” However, if you’re a western guy walking in with two Korean guys, all speaking Chinese to each other, I can’t really imagine what the average passerby would assume, other than some really gay roleplay action.

The first motel I stayed at was called the “SHANGRILA”. They used upper case wherever the name was written. I’m sure they’re intention was to invoke the thought of paradise, or perhaps to imitate a certain other hotel brand, but when I think “SHANGRILA” I get this vision of a giant lizard taking a dump on downtown Incheon. The room was pretty sweet at first glance. Western motels could learn some lessons here. For $40 a night with no reservation I was greeted with a 5.1 sound system and a 50 inch plasma television. The bathroom had a bathtub I could do lengths in and the shower had a built in steamer. The bed was obviously king sized and there was a computer with internet and tons of movies loaded onto it. There was a master remote than controlled all the functions of the room. I felt like a Korean pimp…or perhaps an insipid salary man cheating on his wife.

It wasn’t till later the first night when I realized it might have been a good idea to learn how to turn on the lights before it was dark and I was drunk. In order to work all the technology and the mood lighting, the massive remote controller requires a firm knowledge of hangul and an engineering degree, because even my Korean reading friends couldn’t figure out how to work it. Once I got them on it was little use because the rainbow coloured mood lights made it impossible to get the room bright enough to do anything other than…yeah. My bed was heated, and I couldn’t find out how to turn the infernal thing off, so I wound up sleeping on the covers. That was ok though, because the room temperature was locked at 30 degrees Celsius. I guess some like it hot.

In the morning, I got ready to take my shower. However there was a problem. NO HOT WATER. At the time, I was perplexed at how this could be. The act of fornication requires an enlarged male reproductive organ, however, after having the coldest shower of my life; my body looked like a Ken doll. Not exactly conducive to the goals of the average guest here. Only after my friend complained did we find out that I hadn’t activated the correct sequence of codes into the mainframe computer controlling my room. I found that there were only face cloths in lieu of actual towels, so I had to make do with them and the hairdryer. Staying here was akin to living with HAL from 2001. The love hotel was out to get me. It was probably thinking “if you aren’t going to screw a girl, I’m going to screw YOU!”

With this less than desirable experience behind me, I changed motels to a place called IMT. The acronym name was somehow short for “Now It’s the Moon Time”. At the front desk, there was a touch screen computer that allowed you to browse the various themed rooms they had. From Dalmatian dog themes or quite possibly gay rainbow themes to gettin’ down and dirty in the subway themes, they had it all. I settled on the basic theme because I didn’t want to pay extra to have my eyes seared by poor interior deco that I get plenty of in China. The room was slightly bigger; I was capable of operating the master controls a little bit better and there was free popcorn!

My final night in Korea I stayed in one that was only $25 a night, didn’t have the fancy tech, but also didn’t try to destroy me. If you’re trying to stay in Korea on a budget, I’d have to recommend these “motels” because they’re relatively cheap, located conveniently near the bar districts and have tons of amenities that normal hotels don’t. Just know that many won’t take foreign visa cards, and have computer systems stolen from star trek to operate everything in the room. Also if you don’t bring a girl with you, the room will try to eliminate your testicles. Which you deserve.

Now a little peep show.

Filed under: tourist shit