According to the media, warmer than normal temperatures in the Yellow Sea have caused a colossal bloom of algae on the coast of Qingdao. What really happened was the ibetans, aiwanese, eas urkmentanis all got together with the western powers in iananmen square to poop on China’s big party. They devised a plan to attack Qingdao’s Sailing events by creating a green tide of mutant seaweed unlike any seen before it (with the exception of the massive blooms that happen every year in the lakes and various other polluted coastlines on the mainland). As a result of making sailing through the green slime impossible, the world would lose confidence in China’s ability to sail, knowing full well that the future depends on such an important method of transportation to get all the cheap manufactured goods delivered after oil peaks out. The economy would collapse and chaos would ensue. A sock puppet named Dave would be proclaimed supreme leader via a highly annoying yet repetitive pop-music single, and he would split the country into fruit shaped fragments with assorted tropical aromas.

The government was having none of that. The CPC, the almighty power that they were, in a universe far far away, had possession of both the ring, and a direct line for the Ninja Turtles. Too bad the ring was gambled away by a party official during a game of craps against Kim Jong-il in Macao. The Ninja Turtles, knowing full well that pizza on the mainland usually ranks on the flavour charts between Old Leather Shoe and Toxic Waste couldn’t be bothered. So the only sane and logical option left was to declare war against the goo!!! And let’s be honest here, when you’ve got an army two and a half million strong, if they aren’t raping, pillaging or gold farming, they might as well be carefully placing slimy goo into bags.

A week ago from my apartment’s balcony, the ocean view looked like a grassy field in Saskatchewan. That didn’t last long. A flotilla of boats said to be in the hundreds got busy, while the army was called in to take care of the beaches. One day all the public servants in Qingdao were ordered to spend the day at the seaside picking up gunk. Then they closed down entire avenues so that the dump trucks could pretend to drive like nascars as if that was somehow different than everyday. Ahhhh… the joys of an authoritarian one party government.

Supposedly they’re carting all the slime off to the countryside. Nice. The farmers do all the work around here, the crappy jobs that no one wants for 50 bucks a month and what do we give them in return? Thousands of tons of rotting green slimy algae. Well they’ll probably thank us, because I heard they’re going to save a ton on pig feed with this little bonus from the powers that be. Green ham and eggs anyone? That reminds me, I’m off pork for the next little ever. If anyone asks, I’ve converted to Judaism. Oi Vey!

And for no particular reason other than being awesome, this guy.

Filed under: obscure, quick guides