When I was little… my father was famous. He was the greatest samurai in the empire; and he was the Shogun’s decapitator. He cut off the heads of a hundred and thirty-one lords…no wait…wrong intro. Let me try that again. When I was little I had this borderline unhealthy obsession with carnivorous plants. I was totally captivated by the evolutionary processes that had developed once sedate and passive members of the plant kingdom into ruthless killing machines. Not only would they capture and kill without mercy, but they could also digest their prey, using the nutrients from their victims’ corpses to grow stronger and more capable. While in Amsterdam visiting the Hortus was a must see destination for me, cause I knew they had a decent selection of plants there. Plants that enjoyed eating meat. Here is just about every type of plant they have there in glorious colour and 3D*

*not actually in 3D

Below, two fine examples of the Nepenthes alata or Winged Nepenthes. These bad boys operate in the jungle predator style. Bugs are attracted to the sweet scent of the goop inside that urn shaped apparatus and go in for a drink, or maybe a greedy swim. What the poor bastards don’t realize is that the walls of the inside of the urn are slippery and the pool of goo limits their movement. Even if they do manage to make it up, there’s a set of inward curving teeth that keep in their place. They eventually drown to death, and are absorbed like a body in a bathtub full of lye.

The Pinguicula caudata is a temptress, looking all cute and innocent like it would be the perfect plant to have in your window sill so you could talk to it everyday like a complete nutter. As a matter of fact, it would make a perfect plant to have in your window sill, if you want to DESTROY all forms of insect life that exist there. The leaves of this plant are equipped with two types of glands. One of those types attracts the bugs with a sexy perfume. Once the bugs fly down and try to do the leave with their tiny insect wangs, the other type of gland attacks viciously by digesting the bug! The insect gets stuck because the leaf is essentially fly paper, and it also curves and wraps a little bit around the bug to make sure more glands can get in on the digesting action.

Unless you’re sickly fascinated with carnivorous plants like me, then I’m sure you didn’t know about the existence of the Drosera genus of plants, several of which are below. These vicious beasts wait for prey to land on their leaves that are covered in red tentacles that SUCK THE GUTS right out of the insect. The leaves themselves also bend and curl up so that the maximum number tentacles can get their share of juicy insect innards. Efficiency + tentacles = big in Japan.

Much like the Nepenthes you saw above, our friends from the genus Sarracenia employ urns or pitchers to trap and annihilate their foes. The nice thing about these guys is that if you’re interested in seeing them in real life, instead of on your glowing computer screen like the pathetic nerd you are, all you have to do is tread out into your nearest bog or swamp (if you live in North America.) Then you can witness the glory of a plant vs. insect death match and make bets with Mother Nature on the outcome. (Hint: the plants win)

Moving on, we have an unidentifiable member of the genus Utricularia, also known as Bladderworts. Don’t let that wanky British sounding name fool you. These fiendish foes employ a set of subterranean traps to catch their prey. The traps look like bulbs with a small door on the front. Tiny bugs decide to pay a visit…and PAY WITH THEIR LIVES! After entering, the door quickly shuts behind them, and they’re stuck wondering if they left the stove on at home. Then after waiting around for a bit, they commit insecticide out of boredom, and the bladderwort digests them like a Big Mac, except tiny sized, so more like a Mini Mac or a Nano Mac, or even a Pico Mac. You get the idea.

Even though I was once a genius when it came to these plants, much has changed in the world since then, and many new flesh eating flora have since been discovered. I’m not quite sure what is in the picture below, but I’ve got to warn you, it’s probably the most devious of the bunch. If you ask me, I’d say it probably attracts insects by shape shifting into myself. Bugs love me. Once they’re fooled into thinking they can steal my precious blood as they often do, the plant quickly pulls a flamethrower out of its back pocket and BLAM! This guy knows how to represent.

The last CP that came out today is the people’s champion, Dionaea muscipula, better known to you plebeians as the Venus Flytrap. You’re probably already quite familiar with this one, so instead I’ll tell you about another. In freshwaters throughout the world is a species known as Aldrovanda vesiculosa. The traps work just like on the Venus Flytrap, springing shut at any sign of movement within the jaws of the bear trap. It lives in the water though, so it feeds mostly on aquatic life such as mermaids and nemo.

As a closer, it’s not a carnivorous plant but something called a bat orchid. Even though it doesn’t consume things, I’m sure that in your nightmares it will.

Filed under: obscure