Like most utopian paradises, China has a strict visa regime in place to make sure that the undesirables are kept out. Just slide by your local expat dive to see that it’s working super awesome, just like everything else the central government plans. The process of applying for them isn’t difficult; it’s that they’re about as useful as a severe case of hemorrhoids that makes them such a pain in the ass.

Let’s examine the different visa classes together shall we?

L Visa

The L visa is mostly given to tourists and people coming to visit relatives. The L stands for “Loser” as in you will lose massive amounts of cash from everything like over priced entry tickets, to detour prone taxi drivers, to ridiculous gifts you will have to bring for your Chinese relatives. These visas are normally limited to between 1-3 months of time in China, and most of the time you’ll only get one or two entries on them.  Because of their lucrative nature for the government, they are widely available and easy to get. Just head to your nearest Chinese consulate or embassy, fork over some dough and a mugshot or two, and you’ll have your pass into the largest walmart in the world.

X Visa

The X visa is what is given to students before they come to China. The X actually stands for “X-Ray”, because X-rays are a critical part of the battery of health tests foreign students will need to undertake on return to their home countries after consuming massive amounts of dodgy street meat, fake booze, and breathing too much air while playing ultimate frisbee. These visas are usually good for 3-6 months stay in China, and are generally converted into residence permits on arrival, which allows for unlimited entry and exit. They are harder to get, as you need to apply into a Chinese University program that allows foreigners, and generally pay a whole term’s tuition up front before being given the visa (5000-10000RMB). Remember, once you’ve lined the pockets of the dean with money to spend on Russian classmates that you will see on the attendance lists but never actually in class, they will forget about you. Hound those bastards like you’ve just been released and you’ve got bees in your mouth, and when you bark they sting people.

F Visa

The F visa is the bane of my existence. The F could stand for many things such as “fallback”, “foreigner” and “fool” among others. I however like to think it simply means “fuck”, as in, you’ll be fucked around perpetually if you have this visa. It’s supposed to be good for stays in China from 6-12 months, and have multiple entries. Getting them is sometimes easy, sometimes impossible, and sometimes both depending on your space-time coordinates in the Chinese singularity. Getting them outside of China usually means providing a stamped invitation from a registered Chinese company to the consulate, but within China there’s a slew agents that can do the dirty work for you. And it is dirty. The problem is that the people in charge of the rules for these are as consistent as your stool during your first three weeks in this lovely country. If there’s any kind of special event going on, like the Olympics, or this year’s 60th anniversary of the founding of someplace that was founded 5000 years ago (one of the greatest mathematical conundrums mankind has faced), then all bets are off, and it’s anyone’s guess as to how much it will cost, how many entries you’ll be able to get, and how long it will be useable for. They’re usually the most cost effective visas to get, and as such are perfect for hippies, miscreants, and other nutjobs who want to love China long time. Be warned though, your attempts to get this visa will rape your soul and leave you crying naked in a dark corner somewhere, hopeless.

Z Visa

The Z visa is a visa given to people who are coming over here on a contract to work with a Chinese or wholly owned foreign enterprise. The Z is from “Zombie” which is what you will inevitably be transformed into after working in China for any length of time. Getting one depends simply on getting on job with a company that has the authority to hire foreigners. Usually they can only be acquired outside of the country, but if you’re willing to part with the cash, you can save the trip by dealing with agents in Beijing or Shanghai. They’re usually converted into residence permits shortly after arrival in China, are good for one year, and have multiple entry-exit. I know Z’ers may look down on us F’ers, and rightly so. But don’t forget you pay taxes suckas!

J Visa

The J Visa is given to journalists wishing to enter China. Contrary to popular belief, the J does not stand for “journalism”, but instead it means “jingoism” of the Chinese variety of course, which is exactly the type of writing that foreign journalists will have to write if they wish to pass into China on a legit visa. In order to get it, you’ll need to be able to pass a test of taking a fox news report and replacing every instance of “Republican Party” with “CCP” and “War on Terror” with “Harmonious Society”. As a bonus feature of this visa, on leaving you will need to submit all your writings to the Ministry of Propaganda for approval and certification. If it is not deemed worthy, you will be sentenced to a re-education camp in the hinterlands to learn about the fabulous 5000-year history of China (or how to shovel cow dung).

D Visa

The D Visa was a legendary visa, supposedly given to those as a permanent residence permit. It has been rendered obsolete by the actual permanent residence permit, something akin to a greencard. No one really knows what the D meant, but my guess is that it probably means “Dickless”, as that’s what you’d have to be in order to suck up to the government enough to get one of these. The permit is useful for 5 or 10 years, and is multiple entry of course. So how do you get a permanent resident permit? You don’t. The permanent resident card gets you.

C, G, and Other Visas

There are few other visas that are available to special people with special situations. The C visa is for airline hostesses and pilots, and maybe those people who work on boats. Big boats. Size matters. I’m almost certain that the G visa is has been killed by transit visas that are issued on arrival in the big airports of Shanghai or Beijing. There’s also visas that you can get in Shenzhen that are good for a few days, or hours, or whatever the case may be that limit you to the Shenzhen area. I’m not entirely confident that I could provide you with an answer that vaguely resembles my horribly skewed concept of factual information on how these work. Diplomats also get special visas, but seriously I doubt you’re the American ambassador to China and you’re coming to this blog to find out how to get it. If you are…God help us all.

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