When I’m not cruising around in my flatulence powered Prius, or sipping my organic green tea while chained to fin whale, I’m usually thinking about how I can save the planet. Since I’m traveling through Europe, I’m going on a mission to save the environment here from the hazardous waste we know as eurotrash. It tends to proliferate itself in this part of the world. My modus operandi for dealing with it is to use the three R’s to clean up the waste.

The three R’s are of course: Reduce, Reuse and Recycle. Reduce is for things that need to be minimized as much as possible, like Napoleon. Can you imagine how much of a pain in the ass he would have been if he was 6’5”? Re-use is for the stuff that is mind blowingly awesome already, like autobahns and triple beers. These should be copied and implemented across North America and Asia as quickly as possible. Recycling is for the things are good, but could use an improvement, for example a lot of the girls here are smoking hot, but body hair is to them as white is to rice. Finally there is a process that isn’t part of the 3R’s but had to be included. This is necessary because some shit has no hope for absolution and the only way to deal with it is to burn it with fire, hence incineration that coincidentally I hear the Europeans have perfected.

I will apply each of these environmental processes to the places I visit while I’m here, so that when the UN sees this, they can work their magic to solve the problem just like they always do. On to my first destination: London.

Reduce

Air pollution, maybe it’s in the streets, maybe it’s in the tube, all I know is every night I could power a small coal station with the stuff I mined from my nose. I don’t think the air underground there has changed since the industrial revolution. Its presence made me quite nostalgic for China’s dust storm season.

The number of people/tourists is at a critical mass. I was expecting the friction and compression of the people at Trafalgar Square to explode at any given moment but as usual my atomic aspirations were let down. For some reason all the busiest places are all crammed into one area instead of being separated by trenches and barbed wire.

Reuse

Despite my already mentioned qualms with the tube, getting around on it is for the most part simple, especially with the electronic card system. It takes you everywhere you want to go, and probably even more places you don’t.

London definitely has more attractive women than I’ve seen in almost any other city anywhere. However they were all in the 18-25 category. It’s a mystery as to what happened to the older ones, although I’m sure any guy who’s married can probably illuminate us.

Recycle

Inconsistent tipping is rife in London. Some places you’re a muppet if you tip, other places you are if you don’t. The root of the problem is probably the root of most problems in this world, the American tourists who feel it necessary to spread their absurd 20% plague to everyone else. Like feeding ducks in the winter, establishments that are used to this practice become hostile when you fail to leave a tip. How about ensuring that service sector employees are making respectable wages, and then having a communication campaign to educate people that tipping is unnecessary and punishable by forced listening to Bjork on repeat. That should solve the problem.

The pubs are a fantastic place for a drink, unless what you’re drinking isn’t beer. At almost every restaurant the opposite holds true: competent bar staff and a good selection of booze, but only Stella, Heineken and some weird Italian piss at almost every place. Why isn’t it possible it get good beer in a restaurant? Or a bad ass Bond style martini in a pub? Hopefully these two types of establishment can have a lovechild that excels at both forms of refreshment.

London is to the heat as Shanghai is to the cold. I guess they just thought the summer never gets hot enough to warrant proper cooling. Well they thought like fucking retards because it certainly does warrant it and more, never have I longed more for Canada’s frigid arctic winters than those excruciating 30 minute segments I spent as a fried sardine on the tube.

Incinerate

Pre-packaged foods. I’m looking at your prêt a manger. I know the food in England isn’t the most well regarded, but at the very least they could have more places that serve up fresh food as opposed to shrink wrapped shit with a “dispose after” date printed on it.

Burqas are fucking ridiculous, but I’m sure they would burn quite easily, I wish we could somehow bbq the dresses and those that forced the people wearing them in one giant fundamentalist cookoff.

Filed under: tourist shit