A mere two and a half hours on a fast train from Amsterdam will get you to the fine city of Antwerp. The city is neither overrun with ants, nor were twerps a problem I encountered. I would have liked to have been here longer, but only had the day, so my experience here is best described not so much a common experience, but more the ravings of a madman after one too many Belgian beers.

Reduce

For a country that has some of the best restaurants and food in the world, there were a suspiciously high number of McDonald’s. Not quite sure what is going on here, but I guess Belgians need their corporate grease intake like everyone else. I’ll admit I had a minute urge to see if their Big Macs were made with Brie and organic beef, but alas my only time under the yellow arches was spent relieving myself.

I’m sure it was just me, but it seemed like there was an awful number of people smoking in Antwerp. And it wasn’t just cigarettes. Cubans, pipes, cigarillos, R.J. Reynolds would be a proud man. Now living in Asia (or pretty much anywhere other than Canada), you come to realize smokers make up a good sized chunk of the populace. When it’s only cigarettes that are being smoked, your nose gets used to the smell and you learn to block it out unless someone’s getting their shit all up in your face. When it’s all these different kinds of tobacco however, your nose is dealing with a full scale assault. How the slut am I supposed to savor my Belgian truffles if Jacques LeBleu is stickin his stogie up my snout?

Reuse

They had best selection of high quality beers in the world. Waffles baked up like it’s nobodies’ business. Seriously, I tried to commandeer the waffle shop and turn it into my own but was nearly beaten half to death with a wooden spatula. Chocolate, gourmet foods, more mayo and fries, beer gardens galore, great balance of modern and medieval architecture, I could go on forever, but I’ll be honest, it’s more fun for me to write about the things I don’t like.

I also gotta give a shout out to the Antwerpen-Centraal Train Station, the most architecturally amazing station I’ve ever been in. Some parts of it look like it was designed by Dracula, and some parts of it by MC Escher.

Recycle

The city shuts down completely around 5:30pm. I wish it could stuff could stay open later, so you could, you know, buy stuff when you get off work. My only hypothesis for this is…

Incinerate

…that some of the fiercest eurotrash dick puppets I’ve seen start cruising around the city in their lowered and banged up 3 series beamers, terrorizing the city like Vikings with horribly loud dance music right around this time. It’s no wonder everyone heads for the hills. Lets get Temple of Doom on their asses! Tear out some hearts, put em in a cage and lower them into a pit of molten lava….that’ll sort em out.

Your daily dose of gothic:

Below, the train station that’ll blow your mind:

Filed under: tourist shit