Despite the odds of me crossing paths with these brave avians within the sterile confines of my subdivision being galactically low, they decided to show their shriveled faces the very day after the turkey holocaust! Their exhibitionism is akin to a batch of donuts dancing the Macarena on the counter of Tim Horton’s after all the cops get called out on a 187. Here’s a few scenarios my mind has formulated on how this came to be.

A)

Some McMansion dwelling dickcheese in my neighborhood thought he would be the man and brought home a bunch of wild turkeys for the feast. Little did he know the turkeys were really gallinaceous warrior princesses from a parallel universe, and they promptly pecked his brains out with merriment. During our brief encounter today, they used their telepathic abilities to recognize that when I go back for seconds, it’s only mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy. They let me on my way.

B)

The MSG from the excessive Chinese food binge I went on this weekend, in combination with all the growth hormones in the turkey meat I consumed created a hallucinatory effect. Even though I wish this was the obvious answer so that I could somehow capitalize on the discovery of a new psychedelic snack, it doesn’t do a great job of explaining where the pictures came from. Unless you guys all had chinese and juiced turkey this weekend too. Then we could be on to something.

C)

The large birds I caught a glimpse of were eastern wild turkeys or Meleagris gallopavo silvestris to be precise. The vicinity of my casual stroll was not outside of their native range of northeastern North America. With a rough population of about 5.2 million birds, the occasional flock will make itself known in non-urban locales. Early morning and late afternoon being ordinary feeding time for these fowl, the group stumbling across my presence was not unusual for the time of day. Being foragers, there was a high probability they were scavenging for food in the area. It is even possible that if they came across some compost or improperly disposed of leftovers in the area, they might ZOMG!!…cannibal zombie turkeys! They might gobble our brains! Sweet merciful Christ! Head for the hills before it’s too late!!!

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