For the 1970’s I have two full series of stamps, one from 1978 reppin’ the steel industry, and another from 1979 commemorating the 30th anniversary of the PRC, but I will simply call it “Weird Science”.

THE STEEL INDUSTRY

This set of stamps is a commemoration of the steel industry. But what isn’t so obvious is what the stamps depict. Thankfully we have a 1200dpi scanner and my imagination on our side, while the stamps have nothing but fading ink on theirs.

5-4 In this image, there’s a glorious steel bar pressing machine, with happy employees working away. The machine looks to be operating on the main floor of hell, what with the inferno in the background. Lady talking on the phone seems to be pretty impressed, probably because she’s got a scroll in her hand that has the sacred recipes for the best satanic pizza you’ll ever know.

5-3 This stamp is straightforward. I mean it’s a giant bucket of molten steel being dumped into another giant bucket of molten steel. Look at the one dude who’s waving at the steel though, if I’m not mistaken that’s definitely a towel around his shoulder, which makes me wonder if he really thinks that he’ll be able to wipe off some molten steel, should it drip on to him. Idiot, he should know the best way to clean off molten steel is with tide to go.

5-5 Here we have a bunch of long steel rods all over the place, a train missing its caboose, a factory in the background and some guys yelling to get the rods inserted in the right places. The boring blue sky is a urine yellow thanks to the steel mill.

5-2 It looks like buddy’s machine blew up or something and started spewing molten liquid steel all over the place. The employees aren’t looking very concerned and I don’t even think they care. Must be unionized. They’re definitely poking it with those metal poles though. I’m not sure how helpful that would be, but I’m no steelworker so for all I know that’s exactly what you do when molten steel spills all over the floor and you’re about re-enact the final scene of Terminator 2.

5-1 This train was recently attacked by combination of Uighur suicide bombers and Japanese kamikaze pilots; it’s definitely seen better days. This stamp reminds people that these two groups of people must be demonized and destroyed at all costs…even if it means wearing crocs, or even worse, crocs with socks.

As it turns out, if you look at these stamps in their proper numerical order, instead of the arbitrary one I’ve given them, they represent the entire steel making process. 炼焦, 炼铁, 炼钢, 轧钢, 成品. And that would be: coke-making, iron smelting, steel making, steel rolling and the finished product. Nevertheless, that isn’t a very interesting way of looking at them, it’s far more enjoyable to pretend they’re scenes from Dante’s Inferno aka Communist China.

WEIRD SCIENCE

This set features four stamps, with distinct colours for each stamp. Each stamp has some kind of technology going on in the main image but in the bottom third there is also a little image outline in a little square. I have no idea what the fuck these are. I will try my best to interpret everything so that if some day monkeys can read, they will know what these stamps mean and how they relate to communism…or banana milkshakes.

Orange: dual tape recorders with a giant gear in the background, possibly some laser beams shooting randomly and a spark from God knows what kind reaction, maybe one of the lasers accidently shot the gear. Small image in the corner looks like a very primitive robotic arm cruising around a skateboard. The tape recorders signify the government having greater power to record conversations and spy on people. The gear is a classic communist symbol what with us being the cogs and all. The lasers are punishment for being caught talking nasty on the phone and being recorded by one of those tape recorders. The spark is of course what happens to your head when the laser hits it, but they seemed to have censored out the brains and skull fragments that would be part of it. The skateboarding arm is actually on its way to get attached to someone who was accidentally targeted by one of the lasers.

Green: a tractor spraying fertilizer/pesticide on fields in between rows of genetically modified trees (you can tell right away that they’re GMO because they all look exactly the same.) In the background there is a crop duster aircraft being piloted remotely by the operator of the tractor or a very intelligent chipmunk. Small image in the corner looks like a gear with a bug’s eyes and nose in the middle. The main image demonstrates that even 30 years ago, Chinese farmers were universally using advance crop science and mechanization to ensure top quality products. The small image more than likely is a warning to humans that us “cogs” will soon be controlled by an all powerful insect overlord, who will make us all farmers, or perhaps farm us as rations for his brood.

Red: We’ve got ourselves a fine strategic nuclear warhead, a nuclear submarine, a group of four paper airplanes being tossed off by someone who clearly doesn’t give a damn and concentric circles around the sun. The small image is a bulky and ineffective satellite dish, used by CCTV to broadcast their brainwashing all around the world. The circles around the sun identify it as the target of the ICBN from the sub, because obviously the red sun represents Japan and everyone knows that China loves Japan so much; they want to give them a nice big nuclear hug. The paper planes are actually an accurate representation of China’s air force at the time, before they upgraded to balsa wood and the current rabid seagulls.

Blue: Atoms spinning around a green nucleus, with sparkling stars in the background, and a double helix replicating itself in the foreground. Small image is difficult to decipher but I’ve narrowed it down to either a medieval warrior helmet, a squid amputee, or quite possibly the shortest, stubbiest rocket to ever be conceived by the human race. After a good long think about meaning these two incredibly symbolic images represent, their impact on the human race and particularly China at this point in history and their use in the future, it finally dawned on me. They mean nothing at all. The sparkles are just there to add pizzazz, kind of like how a 16-year-old girl going out to the bar puts sparkles all over her face in an attempt to look mature, but instead they scream JAILBAIT. The confounding thing in the corner is visible proof that when China wants to make something that people simple cannot understand regardless of how much they try and think about it, they can, with ease. This ability would be put to use often in the 20th and 21st centuries.

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