Cheerios? Wheaties? Lucky fucking charms? If you’re gonna get your carbs on, might as well double up and get some lard all in there too. And there ain’t no better way to do that and cure a hangover than a batch of homemade waffles laced with maple syrup and liquefied butter.

Forget about ingredient lists, just follow these steps and if you don’t have what they call for, pretend you lost your eyesight in a fistfight with a toucan, and grab whatever powdery substance you can find. I know you’re worried about Chaos theory and where your cat is, but these things and making edibles go hand in hand.

STEP 1

Take the license plates off your car, head to the nearest Williams Sonoma, and pillage it like you’re the damn omega man. Don’t ask questions, just do it. In the apocalypse, survival is key, and you’ll need all the measuring cups, pots and waffle irons you can get to ward of those shitty mutants.

Step 2

Get home and get your shit straight son. Unpack that waffle iron, plug it in immediately and leave it on as long as possible. This prodigal use of electricity will help burn off any remnants of finger prints or booger grease from the third world kid who assembled it and might contribute to us having a warmer summer next year.

STEP 3

Get a big bowl and put it off camera. Then take a measuring cup and fill it with 1 CUP of perfect white flour. If you’re a real man, you’ll mill that grain yourself. Those who bring up the topic of whole wheat or organic flour will find themselves on the ingredient list. These are John Wayne’s waffles not Elton John’s. Oh and as you’ve already noticed, I’ll be using imperial units, so all you base ten metric lovin motherfuckers can learn to convert and use an anachronistic system of measurement with no discernable logic and grow some fuckin balls while your at it.

STEP 4

After you throw that flour into the bowl without making your work area look like a a Columbian drug lab, grab some baking powder, and add two teaspoons of that magic dust in. Once again we’re making waffles here, not crack cocaine, so use powder, NOT soda. If you do use soda to make them, I hope you do smoke crack, cause that’s the only way you’ll be able to handle the overpowering taste of pure ass that’ll make you loco.

STEP 5

Half a teaspoon of salt is what you want to drop in there next. At the risk of being labeled an anti-semite I’d advise to stay away from that Kosher variety, unless you like chunks of saltiness t-bagging your tongue. It’s best if you slide by McDonalds, jack a shaker or two and use that. Ronald won’t mind, that slut’s busy molesting your neighbor’s kids.

STEP 6

Now comes the tricky part. So it would be best to get some tricks to do it for you. You’ll need four large and crazy eggs. Get crackin, but separate the whites from the rest segregation style. The yolks can straight in with everything else. Hide the whites someplace where little insects and birds won’t be able to go for a swim.

STEP 7

For this step, take two tablespoons of the sweetest sugar you can find and half a teaspoon of purest vanilla extract ever to be extracted to the mix. Then quickly run to your local cow, grab up on those titties and milk yourself two cups of freshness. Get back before the farmer realizes you violated his cow and dump that in there too. I don’t care if you’re lactose intolerant and real milk will leave looking like a fucking hobbit. Don’t even think of putting any of soy based wank in there.

STEP 8

Take half a stick of butter, and using the power of modern science and technology, nuke that son of a bitch down to liquid form. Try as hard as you can NOT to drink the whole thing down because it smells so delicious, and pour it into the main bowl.

STEP 9

Go find those egg whites you hid, and using a blender, or a good ol fashioned beater, beat them like a punk ass bitch. This is essential to give the waffles that light airy feeling like they came straight from an oven in heaven with cute little flying kittens and puppies and harp music, and JESUS would you hurry up and just beat those bloody things!?!

STEP 10

Once again with the beater, but preferably your bare fist or maybe even a properly sequenced tornado of round house kicks, blend the contents of the main bowl into a mélange of magic. Then pour the egg whites in there and mix some more. MIX until your goddamn hand falls off, and rats come along and eat it, and then other rats come and eat those rats.

STEP 11

If you’re a conservative pour a conservative amount of waffle batter onto the waffle iron. If you’re a pussy ass liberal, pour a liberal amount. Then like a bleeding heart bitch, scurry off to cry or write poetry about pictures of dogs when this happens:

Keep cooking them waffles until the steam coming from the iron slows down. If the steam coming from the iron doesn’t slow down, but instead increases and turns black, return to step 2.

STEP 12

Waffles need syrup like a pimp needs hoes. Using anything other than 100% real maple syrup would be just plain…ridiculous. Any bottle of “syrup” emblazoned with a crude image of a negro that looks like it belongs in another era, probably does. Toss that ooze out the window and hope it falls through the time warp that it came from. Then for about half second bask in the golden irony that some megacorp manufactures fake food from subsidized corn and then uses the image of a group it oppresses as a brand name. Not too long now, them waffles gonna get cold.

STEP 13

Remove the waffle from the iron and sprinkle on some icing sugar to make it look like you know what you’re doing. Add the syrup. Then proceed to inhale that waffle with the power of some 23 inch spinners and a bottle of crystal. Because you’ve earned it; trying to figure out how to make waffles, while taking pictures along the way to show a bunch of randoms on the internet how to do something they probably would be better off doing without your wack advice.

Filed under: things i ate