Just a couple weeks ago I ran into some time, money and a travel buddy, all of which I don’t normally have. Seizing the opportunity like a walrus presented with a beachball, I grabbed tickets for a Xiamen Airlines direct flight to Chungking.

We arrived well past dark on our first night, so the only thing I noticed while driving into the city was walls of concrete apartments trying their best to do a Kowloon imitation. Being so late, we didn’t have any time to try out the famous Chongqing style hotpot, so we opted for street food. The options consisted of animal parts you would only eat if you were starving to death. The parts of said animals that usually take up most of the animal (i.e. the meat) were unsurprisingly absent.

I opted for some noodles and a few sticks of bbq’d mystery meat. Tasty and a little spicy it was, but my tongue wasn’t about to chop off its leg Saw style to escape. We sampled both local beer varieties and came to the conclusion that 3% alcohol and carbonation does not a beer brew. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say they were both bottled with water straight from the Yangtze River. They certainly tasted like it. No I haven’t actually tasted water taken directly from the Yangtze, but I would extrapolate that if I did, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

After our quick meal, we went to give the local nightlife a try. After making our way through a few places, we settled on one that looked identical to all the others, had the same identical layout inside, but was playing some western pop music instead of the campy trash that they normally deafen you with. I ordered us two Heinekens for 30 kuai a piece, the only things on the menu that weren’t some form of Chivas. At that point we were trapped. For some reason it took 10 minutes to get the beers (apparently the beers aren’t kept at the bar?!?!) During this time, the music quickly denigrated into the same steamy crap that we heard at the other clubs. I’ll honestly say this wasn’t the first time, and nor the last time for me to be fooled like this. I have a secret fantasy that one days these clubs will grow up and play music that you can dance to, drinks will be served by the glass, and there won’t be 5 guys dressed in rainbow panda suits jumping around on the stage to a techno remix of happy birthday.

We found solace in a lounge the club at set up near the entrance that was separate from the main room, where there was plenty of space, big comfortable couches, and the volume permitted regular conversation. Of course none of the clientele was enjoying this, everyone in there was passed out drunk or crying about relationship woes. My friend and I stumbled across some employment applications for the bar, and began to humorously conjecture applying when we were accosted by some boy who couldn’t have been more than 18, shitfaced and trying to practice his English. I’ve been through this kind of conversation more than once, knowing full well it was nothing. However, if a guy came up and started by telling you how handsome you were, and asking if you had a girlfriend, you’d probably guess otherwise. Giving him as boring and as unresponsive yet inoffensive responses as possible seemed to work in temporarily repelling him, but we knew he’d be back, so we made our break back to the hostel.

The next morning my welcoming present from the city of Chungking had manifested itself, I had food poisoning. Despite this, I still trudged around the city feeling like a sack of rotten potatoes both days I was there. I have my suspicions that it was actually a niacin overdose from the UHT milk I bought that morning, because I never drink that filth, and we all know how good milk is in China, but who knows, I was biased from that point on.

In terms of urban geography, the city is unlike most Chinese cities in that it’s laid out over the mountains. On a map it’s deceiving, because what looks to be a 5 minute stroll, is actually a 400 foot climb up a steep set of stairs followed by a bottle of beer to cool off, then another, then falling back down the stairs and waking up trying to figure out where you are exactly.

The architecture of the city is abnormally tall, mostly dreary concrete apartment blocks that reminded me of Kowloon. Ironically, the infamous Chungking Mansions in Kowloon closely resembles most of the buildings in Chungking. I’m not sure if that’s coincidental, or some genius thought that copying either would be a great idea. If it was the latter, I hope that guy is wanking with Gaudí and Le Corbusier in hell.

In true budget backpacker fashion, we thought about visiting some of the sights, but just wandered around the city parks and the downtown square instead. Observing the casual lives of Chungkingers, we noted that they enjoy playing majiang among other card games, sitting around doing nothing, and harassing us with ill-pitched hellos. We did manage to check out the Three Gorges Museum, whose massive concrete and glass crustacean shaped structure is completely unavoidable in its position adjacent to the square. The museum is worth checking out, mostly because it’s free, but also because some of the exhibits inside are pretty decent even by my goosey standards. You will also come across some hilarious dioramas as are mandatory per the People’s Committee for Museum Excellence’s fifth plenary session.

We stayed at the Yangtze River Hostel. Although on the map it looked like a good location, you really have to get around the city by taxi, there’s just no other way. You could walk, I mean, that’s another way, but the air pollution was pretty awful and you’d succumb to respiratory illness and die. So like I said there is no other way. Speaking of air pollution, the view from the patio of the hostel would have been magnificent, overlooking the river and the opposite bank. The only thing you could see was some rectangles drawn in MS Paint with the blur filter in Photoshop and added a tint of orange. The people working at the hostel were great though, super helpful and kind, definitely better than what you’d find in a motel, hotel holiday inn.

So, the consensus was that Chungking rivaled Riker’s Island for places you should visit. With this in mind, we quickly decided to grab tickets for the Chungking-Chengdu Express and head high speed to the heart of Sichuan, to peruse pandas and to savor some spice.

I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what these were, all I know is that they’re all asking questions related to the family planning policy of the PRC. Are they some diminutive form of propaganda or what?

Filed under: tourist shit