Shortly after 5, the rays of light from the curtainless window tore threw my eyelids with the fury of the fists of god, and I was up. The three of us barely had enough time to get showered and dressed before the groom’s whole family barged in, complete with a video camera dude, and began setting up. All kinds of crazy shit was going down, specific snacks were set out, decorations were plastered everywhere, the bed got covered in new bedding, and there was balloons. Enough balloons to make New Years Eve look like…New Years Day.

At this point in the game my duties as banlang (伴郎) officially began. First, I had to pose as if I was making sure the groom looked sharp. You know, padding him down, brushing invisible dust off his suit, staring at him from different angles as if it made some kind of difference. The cameraman filmed away and people snapped pictures, this was a big deal. After he was ready, and the house was fully set up, we were off to go pick up the bride. Once we made our way outside, I had to make sure to follow the groom around the whole day, leaving no door unopened and no bidding unbid. This was all part and parcel. As a total surprise to me, when we got outside, there was a shiny red Land Rover waiting for us. I thanked the norse gods for this, because it would quickly become apparent why we did all the driving the night previous. We were plotting the routes that we would take with the caravan of cars (all red of course), and how long it would take so that we could arrive at the different places on time. You see, it’s essential that on the wedding day, the newlyweds do not retrace any given route to get back to a destination. Every trip has to be an entirely new way, otherwise it would signify going back, and could lead to the clock turning backwards, back to being unmarried, then pimply teenagers, turning into kids, and then little babies, and next thing you know it’s Benjamin Button all over again and no one wants that flapdoodle. Yes I just used the word flapdoodle…deal with it.

We got to the brides house after a very enjoyable ride, since I was shotgun and would be the whole day. Once there, we had to bribe our way in the door using small packets of red envelopes filled with money, and singing some songs as a part of the traditional games thing. I was feeling pretty hungry and tired already and wasn’t having any of it, so I kicked in the door while yelling “LISTEN UP BITCHES ITS TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.” Ahh who am I foolin, reality was more like a solid rendition “I’m a little teapot” and the girls decided we could proceed. Finally, the groom met the bride (looked as though she spent about 3 hours getting ready), and had to carry her downstairs to meet her parents. There, the groom formally asked the bride’s parents if it was cool if they got hitched, which they seemed to be very cool with, considering the very fat red envelopes that were bestowed upon the groom. Then each of the brides parents had to eat some kind of candy, and it was dumpling time. The bride and groom had to help each other eat some dumplings, while the bridesmaid and I also got chow down. The key here was we all had to leave exactly two dumplings left in the bowls to signify the testicles…I mean the couple. This was a difficult task for me, as not having eaten much the night before, my stomach felt as though it was about to go down like Three Mile Isle and eating those dumplings was like throwing more nuclear fuel on that run away reaction. Hopefully things wouldn’t go critical.

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