For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been walking/biking/skidaddling by the corner of Nanjing Rd and Shaanxi Rd wondering like a little monkey just what the hell was going on inside a giant box that was sitting there. I wonder no longer, for they have revealed the contents. The contents of the box being…A BAG!

This isn’t just any ordinary bag however, it’s a giant handbag crafted out of fluorescent lights encased in a glass box coated with mirrors entitled Sac par Lady Dior. At first, your eyes can’t help but be drawn towards the light, as if you were heading towards that magical place in the sky. Then your eyes become fixated on it and you begin to stare, your corneas fry just like an insect flying into one of those buzzing lights you can always find in restaurant kitchens.

I don’t care too much for name brand stuff. Actually I do only in so far that one day I’d like it all to be wiped from the collective human consciousness with a J-Cloth™ and some Windex™. I do give Dior and Li Songsong (李松松) snaps here for coming up with something puts even a marijuana grow-op’s hydro bills to shame. Not to mention walking away from this work, the only thing on your mind is GIANT GLOWING DIOR HANDBANG. So it’s definitely effective to say the least.

It does raise some interesting questions about advertising and art, and where the line is drawn. However photography is more my thing, so I’ll leave the drawing to someone else.

Despite the odds of me crossing paths with these brave avians within the sterile confines of my subdivision being galactically low, they decided to show their shriveled faces the very day after the turkey holocaust! Their exhibitionism is akin to a batch of donuts dancing the Macarena on the counter of Tim Horton’s after all the cops get called out on a 187. Here’s a few scenarios my mind has formulated on how this came to be.

A)

Some McMansion dwelling dickcheese in my neighborhood thought he would be the man and brought home a bunch of wild turkeys for the feast. Little did he know the turkeys were really gallinaceous warrior princesses from a parallel universe, and they promptly pecked his brains out with merriment. During our brief encounter today, they used their telepathic abilities to recognize that when I go back for seconds, it’s only mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy. They let me on my way.

B)

The MSG from the excessive Chinese food binge I went on this weekend, in combination with all the growth hormones in the turkey meat I consumed created a hallucinatory effect. Even though I wish this was the obvious answer so that I could somehow capitalize on the discovery of a new psychedelic snack, it doesn’t do a great job of explaining where the pictures came from. Unless you guys all had chinese and juiced turkey this weekend too. Then we could be on to something.

C)

The large birds I caught a glimpse of were eastern wild turkeys or Meleagris gallopavo silvestris to be precise. The vicinity of my casual stroll was not outside of their native range of northeastern North America. With a rough population of about 5.2 million birds, the occasional flock will make itself known in non-urban locales. Early morning and late afternoon being ordinary feeding time for these fowl, the group stumbling across my presence was not unusual for the time of day. Being foragers, there was a high probability they were scavenging for food in the area. It is even possible that if they came across some compost or improperly disposed of leftovers in the area, they might ZOMG!!…cannibal zombie turkeys! They might gobble our brains! Sweet merciful Christ! Head for the hills before it’s too late!!!

When I was little… my father was famous. He was the greatest samurai in the empire; and he was the Shogun’s decapitator. He cut off the heads of a hundred and thirty-one lords…no wait…wrong intro. Let me try that again. When I was little I had this borderline unhealthy obsession with carnivorous plants. I was totally captivated by the evolutionary processes that had developed once sedate and passive members of the plant kingdom into ruthless killing machines. Not only would they capture and kill without mercy, but they could also digest their prey, using the nutrients from their victims’ corpses to grow stronger and more capable. While in Amsterdam visiting the Hortus was a must see destination for me, cause I knew they had a decent selection of plants there. Plants that enjoyed eating meat. Here is just about every type of plant they have there in glorious colour and 3D*

*not actually in 3D

Below, two fine examples of the Nepenthes alata or Winged Nepenthes. These bad boys operate in the jungle predator style. Bugs are attracted to the sweet scent of the goop inside that urn shaped apparatus and go in for a drink, or maybe a greedy swim. What the poor bastards don’t realize is that the walls of the inside of the urn are slippery and the pool of goo limits their movement. Even if they do manage to make it up, there’s a set of inward curving teeth that keep in their place. They eventually drown to death, and are absorbed like a body in a bathtub full of lye.

The Pinguicula caudata is a temptress, looking all cute and innocent like it would be the perfect plant to have in your window sill so you could talk to it everyday like a complete nutter. As a matter of fact, it would make a perfect plant to have in your window sill, if you want to DESTROY all forms of insect life that exist there. The leaves of this plant are equipped with two types of glands. One of those types attracts the bugs with a sexy perfume. Once the bugs fly down and try to do the leave with their tiny insect wangs, the other type of gland attacks viciously by digesting the bug! The insect gets stuck because the leaf is essentially fly paper, and it also curves and wraps a little bit around the bug to make sure more glands can get in on the digesting action.

Unless you’re sickly fascinated with carnivorous plants like me, then I’m sure you didn’t know about the existence of the Drosera genus of plants, several of which are below. These vicious beasts wait for prey to land on their leaves that are covered in red tentacles that SUCK THE GUTS right out of the insect. The leaves themselves also bend and curl up so that the maximum number tentacles can get their share of juicy insect innards. Efficiency + tentacles = big in Japan.

Much like the Nepenthes you saw above, our friends from the genus Sarracenia employ urns or pitchers to trap and annihilate their foes. The nice thing about these guys is that if you’re interested in seeing them in real life, instead of on your glowing computer screen like the pathetic nerd you are, all you have to do is tread out into your nearest bog or swamp (if you live in North America.) Then you can witness the glory of a plant vs. insect death match and make bets with Mother Nature on the outcome. (Hint: the plants win)

Moving on, we have an unidentifiable member of the genus Utricularia, also known as Bladderworts. Don’t let that wanky British sounding name fool you. These fiendish foes employ a set of subterranean traps to catch their prey. The traps look like bulbs with a small door on the front. Tiny bugs decide to pay a visit…and PAY WITH THEIR LIVES! After entering, the door quickly shuts behind them, and they’re stuck wondering if they left the stove on at home. Then after waiting around for a bit, they commit insecticide out of boredom, and the bladderwort digests them like a Big Mac, except tiny sized, so more like a Mini Mac or a Nano Mac, or even a Pico Mac. You get the idea.

Even though I was once a genius when it came to these plants, much has changed in the world since then, and many new flesh eating flora have since been discovered. I’m not quite sure what is in the picture below, but I’ve got to warn you, it’s probably the most devious of the bunch. If you ask me, I’d say it probably attracts insects by shape shifting into myself. Bugs love me. Once they’re fooled into thinking they can steal my precious blood as they often do, the plant quickly pulls a flamethrower out of its back pocket and BLAM! This guy knows how to represent.

The last CP that came out today is the people’s champion, Dionaea muscipula, better known to you plebeians as the Venus Flytrap. You’re probably already quite familiar with this one, so instead I’ll tell you about another. In freshwaters throughout the world is a species known as Aldrovanda vesiculosa. The traps work just like on the Venus Flytrap, springing shut at any sign of movement within the jaws of the bear trap. It lives in the water though, so it feeds mostly on aquatic life such as mermaids and nemo.

As a closer, it’s not a carnivorous plant but something called a bat orchid. Even though it doesn’t consume things, I’m sure that in your nightmares it will.

Ever wonder what all those Chinese place names really mean? Keep on wondering. Although I’ve taken a map of China’s provinces and some neighboring countries, and translated their names directly into English, you will still be left clueless.

I have to say though, the resulting names are amusing. They remind me of the signs you see everywhere here that appear to be translated by monkeys who had just finished smoking banana peels. People will probably say that some these are wrong, however if you look deep enough into the characters you will find that the translations aren’t just correct, they also predict the future. I see your future is marriage to a large bovine, a life of track-pants and flab sprawled out over the couch watching Top Gear re-runs.

Oh yeah and to the people who are no doubt going to complain about the lack of the ‘Stan countries and Macao, I know I left them out. Macao is the size of Yao Ming’s dick (that sure made you think, didn’t it?!) and the ‘Stans all have like 20 characters in their names that make it really hard to fit into my map. So I’ll give them to you now:

Normally I don’t ever get spam, because my mailbox is protected by the impenetrable shield of Gmail. Since I set it up all SMTP styles so that it delivers only the good stuff right to my mail program, junk mail does not exist to me. Although, in Canada, I was on my laptop and that doesn’t have a SMTP set up, so I used the web interface for Gmail. Like a pervert at a peepshow, I couldn’t help but take a look into the spam folder, to see what digital delights awaited. The usual stuff is all there; medications, cheap software, Viagra, degrees, porn and what have you. Nestled in with all that boring stuff, I noticed some hilarious subject lines that actually grabbed my attention for more than a split second, and nearly made me want to click on them. I’ve decided to dedicate a post to them, because whoever was doing the copy editing for the spammers was high on dope. I’m gonna put them into categories for easy perusal.

First let’s start with the gibberish. Everyone gets these little bastards, but what’s interesting about them is the words they use. While they mostly contain a repetition of random words that’s meant to fool spam filters into somehow thinking that they’re real emails, they also use lots of words that you and I have likely never heard before. Think of that, improving your vocab by reading your junk emails!

These are some of the great words I’ve learned thanks to a mere 3 spam emails.

hypertensive – noun, a person with high blood pressure
bathos – noun (esp. in a work of literature) an effect of anticlimax created by an unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous
Obstruent – noun
1 Phonetics a fricative or plosive speech sound.
2 Medicine a medicine or substance that closes the natural passages or pores of the body.
Impish – adjective
inclined to do slightly naughty things for fun; mischievous : he had an impish look about him.
Neptunium – noun
the chemical element of atomic number 93, a radioactive metal of the actinide series. Neptunium was discovered as a product of the bombardment of uranium with neutrons, and occurs only in trace amounts in nature. (Symbol: Np)
Acidulous – adjective
sharp-tasting or sour. (of a person’s remarks or tone) bitter or cutting
Nonagenarian – noun
a person who is from 90 to 99 years old.
calliope – noun
a keyboard instrument resembling an organ but with the notes produced by steam whistles, used chiefly on showboats and in traveling fairs.
Osteopath – noun
a branch of medical practice that emphasizes the treatment of medical disorders through the manipulation and massage of the bones, joints, and muscles.
Tuberculin – noun
a sterile protein extract from cultures of tubercle bacillus, used in a test by hypodermic injection for infection with or immunity to tuberculosis, and also formerly in the treatment of the disease.
Viscera – plural noun ( sing. viscus)
the internal organs in the main cavities of the body, esp. those in the abdomen, e.g., the intestines.
Denunciation – noun
public condemnation of someone or something. the action of informing against someone.
Multifarious – adjective
many and of various types : multifarious activities. having many varied parts or aspects : a vast multifarious organization.
Imbrue – verb [ trans. ] stain (something, esp. one’s hands or sword) : they were unwilling to imbrue their hands in his blood.
Sunder – verb [ trans. ] split apart : the crunch of bone when it is sundered.
Dapple – verb [ trans. ] (usu. be dappled)
mark with spots or rounded patches : the floor was dappled with pale moonlight | [as adj. ] ( dappled) dappled sunlight lay upon her straight brown hair.
noun – a patch or spot of color or light. an animal whose coat is marked with patches or spots.Homology – noun
the quality or condition of being homologous. Biology similarity in sequence of a protein or nucleic acid between organisms of the same or different species.
Amalgam – noun
a mixture or blend : a curious amalgam of the traditional and the modern. Chemistry an alloy of mercury with another metal, esp. one used for dental fillings.
Anthropomorphic – adjective
relating to or characterized by anthropomorphism. having human characteristics : anthropomorphic bears and monkeys.
Endogamy – noun Anthropology
the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe

Now for the subject-headlines. I guess these are set to work like tabloids at a grocery store where the headings jump at you and your then brainwashed into buying whatever magazine or paper they’re on. But seeing them all stacked on top of each other in my spambox was hilarious.

Political News

• “I Won’t Raise Taxes,” Says Schwarzenegger, “except For The Indians.”
• Breaking news: Bush is gay.
• Obama Is Anorexic Over-Exerciser
• Obama Comes Clean: “I’m a Proud, Elitist, Liberal Bastard”
• Obama Makes Appeal for Bitter White Midwesterners: “Let ‘em Drive Drunk!”
• BREAKING NEWS: Rapper 50 Cent To Be John McCain’s Choice For Vp
• Bush ‘Troubled’ by Gay Marriages. Declares San Francisco Part of ‘Axis of Evil’

Entertainment News

1. Shocking Video Shows Spongebob And Gay Sex!
2. Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina
3. Spongebob Denies Reports That Hes Gay - I got this exactly one week after the one above.
4. Awkward Moment for Fan Who Didn’t Know Heath Ledger Died
5. Batman & Robin: “We’re gay”
6. BREAKING NEWS: Damien Hirst pickles business manager
7. Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson
8. Paris Hilton Initially Denies Having Inverted Nipples
9. BREAKING NEWS: John Mccain Denies Allegations That He Is A Politician

International News

1. Switzerland To Be Devoured By Black Hole
2. Japan announces nuclear capability, China celebrates
3. Olympics-Wear ox pendant to avoid rat clashes, leaders

Strange

1. Release Of The Nancy Pelosi Sex Dvd Causes Mass Erectile Dysfunction In Us
2. Taxi driver abducts and eats passenger
3. I was a dork and now I’m bestfriends with Benjamin Franklin
4. Drunken man caught humping goat
5. Truth about bonzai kitties
6. Reasons for falling hard and fast?
7. Get the key to Pharaoh’s Tomb
8. Don’t want to buy their shops unknown them at strange stores?
9. Make your own supply of health.
10. Search on to find disappearing hedgehogs
11. High Fuel Prices Forcing Drunk Drivers to Trade Gas for Booze
12. Police Raid Donut City
13. BREAKING NEWS: God Accepts Responsability for Hurricane Katrina

According to the media, warmer than normal temperatures in the Yellow Sea have caused a colossal bloom of algae on the coast of Qingdao. What really happened was the ibetans, aiwanese, eas urkmentanis all got together with the western powers in iananmen square to poop on China’s big party. They devised a plan to attack Qingdao’s Sailing events by creating a green tide of mutant seaweed unlike any seen before it (with the exception of the massive blooms that happen every year in the lakes and various other polluted coastlines on the mainland). As a result of making sailing through the green slime impossible, the world would lose confidence in China’s ability to sail, knowing full well that the future depends on such an important method of transportation to get all the cheap manufactured goods delivered after oil peaks out. The economy would collapse and chaos would ensue. A sock puppet named Dave would be proclaimed supreme leader via a highly annoying yet repetitive pop-music single, and he would split the country into fruit shaped fragments with assorted tropical aromas.

The government was having none of that. The CPC, the almighty power that they were, in a universe far far away, had possession of both the ring, and a direct line for the Ninja Turtles. Too bad the ring was gambled away by a party official during a game of craps against Kim Jong-il in Macao. The Ninja Turtles, knowing full well that pizza on the mainland usually ranks on the flavour charts between Old Leather Shoe and Toxic Waste couldn’t be bothered. So the only sane and logical option left was to declare war against the goo!!! And let’s be honest here, when you’ve got an army two and a half million strong, if they aren’t raping, pillaging or gold farming, they might as well be carefully placing slimy goo into bags.

A week ago from my apartment’s balcony, the ocean view looked like a grassy field in Saskatchewan. That didn’t last long. A flotilla of boats said to be in the hundreds got busy, while the army was called in to take care of the beaches. One day all the public servants in Qingdao were ordered to spend the day at the seaside picking up gunk. Then they closed down entire avenues so that the dump trucks could pretend to drive like nascars as if that was somehow different than everyday. Ahhhh… the joys of an authoritarian one party government.

Supposedly they’re carting all the slime off to the countryside. Nice. The farmers do all the work around here, the crappy jobs that no one wants for 50 bucks a month and what do we give them in return? Thousands of tons of rotting green slimy algae. Well they’ll probably thank us, because I heard they’re going to save a ton on pig feed with this little bonus from the powers that be. Green ham and eggs anyone? That reminds me, I’m off pork for the next little ever. If anyone asks, I’ve converted to Judaism. Oi Vey!

And for no particular reason other than being awesome, this guy.

Now try and picture it.

Just this past week I made another random journey with a friend to the only beach in the Qingdao area that I haven’t yet been to. This beach was at the entrance to Laoshan Mountain. My friend called me up out of nowhere and figured that despite the encroaching smog, it would be a good day to check the beach. Supposedly this was the nicest beach in the Area, and I had nothing better to do so I agreed to go. After spending half an hour trying to figure out which bus would take us to this mythical beach, we hopped on the mighty 304 and for 70 cents and an hour of our time, we arrived at Laoshan Beach.

What can I say about this place? Well it definitely is the nicest beach in Qingdao, because it’s so far away, it gets very few visitors, and because it’s massive, it seems like no one is there. It’s also nestled between a bunch of mountains, so the views are nice. We spent most of the day just wandering around and observing the interesting features.

One of the first things I noticed when we stepped foot on the sand were these little holes everywhere. I wondered aloud as to what they might be and bent over one to examine it. Just then, out popped a mini crab like creature that began running around. I got some snaps of the little devil and then chased him back to his hole.

The beach had crabs. That’s fine I suppose. We dealt with it by staying closer to the water where the amphibious crabs preferred to avoid not because they didn’t like the water, but because they were having a food coma after devouring all the chinese people who once populated the beach.

My friend and I continued to walk and debate the nature of space time relativaty and string theory, when we came upon this little gem, that I nearly stepped on.

The beach was now tainted. I’d seen worse I figured, and once again my friend and I jumped back into the arguments and implications of the Second Treatise melding with the State of Nations, when we happened to find this poor fellow.

We weren’t sure what it was at first. I thought it was a dog’s corpse but I was secretly hoping for sentience. It turned out to be a washed up jellyfish. From this point, surely things couldn’t get any stranger, yet of course, they did. Out of nowhere, this gentleman appeared, and decided that he was going to have Qingdao Jello™ for dessert.

Before he made off with McBlobicus, I felt it necessary to feel up our floundered friend.

And for no particular reason, here’s a picture of someone’s shoes with a blubbery mess.

Despite all these minor afflictions, the beach was still really nice, in a nice setting, and there was no one there. Not even those creepy guys…however I did manage to find our ambiguously amicable amigos:

The employees this store must have thought I just escaped from the clinic, because I was on the ground laughing at the sight of this guy:

more on the click, and I apologize in advance for damaging your vision by the heinous chinese fashion

I’m not sure what’s worse, her misshaped head, orangepurple hair, or what she’s wearing.

“AHHhhh why am I wearing a Fox News tilly hat????”

This is what happens when clowns and mannequins breed.

“if it’s gonna be that kind of party, i’m going to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!”

This is the “about to be molested” look.

I think this one takes the prize.

Greatest of all, it adorns all the old Haier appliances in China. I have a little army of these guys around my apartment. This kinda shit just wouldn’t fly back home.

*update: added more pics and will continue to do so as I find more haier homos