• Everyone has satellite tv…in their car…that they watch while driving.

• I was expecting there to be American GI’s prowling the streets mercilessly trying to bag Korean girls, I only saw one guy in uniform ball and chain with a girl.

• Very few western people outside of Seoul. So if you leave that city, better make sure you know some Korean or know some Koreans, cause if you don’t you will be dragged off into the forest and eaten by cannibals.

• There are no homeless people. I’ve heard the unemployment rate is really low, but it’s amazing to walk around in Seoul a city of 20 million, and not see ANY homeless people. It’s great. Seriously Toronto should learn something, as in, homeless people don’t need to be downtown harassing everyone else, there’s lots of room in the arctic, and I heard the USA is always looking to test new thermonuclear devices…i jest, i jest!

• Korean people are generally indifferent to westerners, much like how I find the people in Japan. Many don’t know or are unwilling to use their English, also much like Japan. Which leads me to the inevitable thought on China and why is it the only place in Asia I’ve been to, where people come up to you on the street to practice their English, scream “HALLOOO” after you’re a block away from them and try and sell you shit.

• The only reason to go to Itaewon is a really good Mexican restaurant on the main side street once you get to the top of the hill. Other than that, it’s about a quarter mile of fake watches, touts and cheap t-shirts. Can someone honestly explain to me, what tourist travels to an exotic foreign society on the other side of the planet, and then feels the overwhelming need to purchase a NYPD t-shirt? I would like to meet them, because I’m sure their minds would unlock the mysteries of the universe.

• Soju, what an awesome drink. Tastes like diet vodka, at 20%. Can’t go wrong at $3 a bottle either. Funny logic once again rears its funny head with this stuff. You can buy it in convenience and grocery stores, and you can get it in Korean style bars, but you absolutely cannot get it in western bars or Korean dance clubs. The unwritten rule is that when you’re buying it in the Korean bars you have to order a side dish with it, to presumably make up for the fact that there’s little to no markup on the bottle. So why not just charge MORE money for the frickin bottle and have it in more places than the Korean bars?

• Another interesting facet of the Korean nightlife scene are the dance clubs. These cavernous meccas of deafening techno music are similar to their Chinese brethren. One feature they had, that was new to me, was the speed dating that goes on. You sit at a table (you’re usually expected to order a bottle of liquor, or a set of beers), and the waiters will actually bring girls to you in sequence. As a guy, you just sit there and there’s an endless procession of women that come to you. You offer them drinks, some take, some don’t. I think this whole part of the trip would have been much more interesting if my Korean vocabulary extended beyond “Hello” and “you son of a bitch”.

• Seoul has all the historical cultural sights, so it’s good to check out. I was surprised that during the winter, everything is free or really cheap. I paid about $6 total to see most of the major sights. I was also reduced to a shivering, frozen, lump of flesh by the end of it all.

• If you’re going to go, I’d say stay in Incheon and commute into Seoul, because Incheon is so much cheaper, has the awesome Bupyeong, and feels more Korean. Seoul has most of the sight seeing places, but it’s also spread out, so chances are no matter where you stay, you’re gonna be on a 30 minute subway ride somewhere.

• I can say that I enjoy almost all Korean food with the exception of those square pieces of processed fish that seem to go with a lot of the street food. Everything else is spiced up, sautéed and barbequed. All of it very healthy. Why can’t I get mandoo in Qingdao?

And of course what would this rather aimless post be without some aimless pictures to follow it?

Wolmido fair grounds in Incheon.

Wiener dog art.

Seoul Institute for Energy Conservation Ice Rink.

Where’s the host hiding?

This is the Bluehouse, the Korean equivalent to the Whitehouse.

I was having a video call with my friend while both of us were on the subway. The same subway.

In Incheon, they’re mostly located near the downtown core where the bars, clubs, izakayas and hofs are. Sneak your way into the neon jungle of the back alleys behind Bupyeong station and you’ll find more than you can shake a condom at. They have these ridiculous drapes that cover the entrances so that people can’t see you inside. But people can still see you walk/drive in…hah. It’s pretty obvious what you’re doing if you’re going into one with a girl. In fact I saw a few couples walk into them, and I had to restrain hard from shouting out “LOOK WHO’S GOING TO GET IT ON!!! BOOYA!!” However, if you’re a western guy walking in with two Korean guys, all speaking Chinese to each other, I can’t really imagine what the average passerby would assume, other than some really gay roleplay action.

The first motel I stayed at was called the “SHANGRILA”. They used upper case wherever the name was written. I’m sure they’re intention was to invoke the thought of paradise, or perhaps to imitate a certain other hotel brand, but when I think “SHANGRILA” I get this vision of a giant lizard taking a dump on downtown Incheon. At first glance, the room was sweet. Western motels could learn some lessons here. For $40 a night with no reservation I was greeted with a 5.1 sound system and a 50 inch plasma television. The bathroom had a bathtub I could do lengths in and the shower had a built in steamer. The bed was obviously king sized and there was a computer with internet and tons of movies loaded onto it. There was a master remote than controlled all the functions of the room. I felt like a Korean pimp…or perhaps an insipid salary man cheating on his wife.

It wasn’t till I got home the first night that I realized that I should have learned how to use the lights before I was wasted. In order to work all the technology and the mood lighting, the massive remote controller requires a firm knowledge of hangul and an engineering degree, because even my Korean reading friends couldn’t figure out how to work it. My bed was heated, and I couldn’t find out how to turn the infernal thing off, so I wound up sleeping on the covers. That was ok though, because the room temperature was locked at 30 degrees Celsius. I guess some like it hot.

In the morning, I got ready to take my shower. However there was a problem. NO HOT WATER. At the time, I was perplexed at how this could be. The act of fornication requires an enlarged male reproductive organ, however, after having the coldest shower of my life; my body looked like a Ken doll. Not exactly conducive to the goals of the average guest here. Only after my friend complained did we find out that I hadn’t activated the correct sequence of codes into the mainframe computer controlling my room. I found that there were only face cloths in lieu of actual towels, so I had to make do with them and the hairdryer. Staying here was akin to living with HAL from 2001. The love hotel was out to get me. It was probably thinking “if you aren’t going to screw a girl, I’m going to screw YOU!”

With this less than desirable experience behind me, I changed motels to a place called IMT. The acronym name was somehow short for “Now It’s the Moon Time”. At the front desk, there was a touch screen computer that allowed you to browse the various themed rooms they had. From Dalmatian dog themes or gay rainbow themes to gettin’ down and dirty in the subway themes, they had it all. I settled on the basic theme because I didn’t want to pay extra to have my eyes blinded by poor interior deco that I get plenty of in China. The room was slightly bigger; I was capable of operating the master controls a little bit better and there was free popcorn!

My final night in Korea I stayed in one that was only $25 a night, didn’t have the fancy tech, but also didn’t try to kill me. If you’re trying to stay in Korea on a budget, I’d have to recommend these “motels” because they’re relatively cheap, located conveniently near the bar districts and have tons of amenities that normal hotels don’t. Just know that many won’t take foreign visa cards, and have computer systems stolen from star trek to operate everything in the room. Also if you don’t bring a girl with you, the room will try to eliminate your testicles. Which you deserve.

Now a little peep show.

I met up with my friends at the Jusco, where they instructed me that we would be going to a Korean restaurant not too far away. This was highly logical because my friend who was taking us out was Korean. After a brief walk, we made it to the restaurant street, which is an area in Qingdao highly populated with erotic cake stores….mmm erotic cakes… actually…wait, that’s a different street, this one has restaurants on it. We arrived at the anomalous Korean establishment, defiant against the perpetual clones of seafood joints flanking it. Inside, I was introduced to my classmate’s older brother, younger brother, sister and maid. Before you ask, I don’t know. As soon as I sat down, a large bottle filled with an ominous liquid was being liberally poured into everyone’s glass and I had the fortuity of a seat next to older bro, who was doing the pouring. I quickly learned two things. One; always have food in your stomach before going to a restaurant where you might be drinking. Two; it’s ok to not completely down your mini-glass of liquor in one shot. It took me about four consecutive rounds to learn the later. As soon as your bottom’s up, you refill and toast again, it’s an unending cycle.

My liver’s torment was vanquished by the efficiency of the waitresses, who brought us our dinner. Kimchi, pig’s blood rolls, bulgogi, you know, the usual Korean treats. In between my furious attempt at sheltering my stomach from what would soon be an assault of baijiu (a Chinese liquor that it is also used as jet fuel) courtesy of big bro, I happened to notice something curious about the waitresses. They were all wearing name tags with the North Korean flag emblazoned on them. Within seconds after I noticed this, an all girl band jumped out on stage and started blasting out what I assumed was Korean oldies. I quickly turned to my friend who spoke English, and I asked her for the low down. To my surprise and twisted delight, our waitresses and the band were all from North Korea! Now, there’s only two ways for them to be here in China. One would be escape from the land of the eternal president by crossing the most heavily fortified border on the planet. The other, and the way in which they were here, as my friend tried to explain, was that they came from the highest peerage of the North Korean aristocracy. Amazing. I was getting drunk while being entertained and fed by socialites from the axis of evil.

As the feast wore on, we were treated to traditional song and dance that was native to North Korea. For a few songs, one singer went all out, and big bro explained to me that this particular girl was one of the most popular singers in her homeland. After the performance was done, I had the opportunity to meet her and talk to her briefly, which blew my mind. Supposedly, every new years she sings for…Kim Jong-il the nuclear cowboy himself!

Ironically, though the girls were allowed out of their country, they weren’t allowed out of the restaurant. They also had to wear the funny ID tags, and a little pin just like George Bush wears, but instead of the American flag, it was Kim il-Sung’s face. I also noticed on all the TVs in the place, they were showing our goose-stepping buddies do their thing to patriotic background music. I could never unravel the riddle of why all of this was happening or what the occasion was, but it will be nice to scratch another item off my list.

I managed to take some shoddy pictures of the happening, but to make up for the poor quality I have shoddy videos too.

UPDATE: It appears I’m not the only one with a perverted interest in the Hermit Kingdom’s restaurants, so I hope it helps to mention that this restaurant is named “Pyongyang” (Pingrang in Chinese) and it’s located on Yunxiao Rd. between Mingjiang Rd. and Hong Kong Middle Rd. Not far from the Carrefour.

Also, I’ve managed to dig up some news on these places. Apparently many of the waitresses would rather be doing something else.