In this edition of my travels to famous Chinese tourist meccas, I present to you my do and don’t guide to visiting the famous Karst Limestone mountain area of Guilin/Yangshuo.

Do: tell your driver to take you on the Bamao (巴茂) highway to get from Guilin to Yangshuo. It offers endless views of the karstic mountains and lush green farmland you could eat up like a salad. Because no one else uses it, your driver will be able to see if his Santana really can make the needle hit 140km/h.

Don’t: let your driver take the provincial highway to get from Guilin to Yangshuo. It’s basically two lanes of giant trucks crawling along 40km/h that everyone else on the road is playing chicken with in order to get one position ahead. It also costs 30 kuai less than the fast highway. But takes an hour more. So if there’s 12 of you traveling together, and you do this, your time is worth a whopping 2.5 kuai an hour. That’s what I’ll pay my legions of peons, when I give them a 2.5 kuai raise.

Do: stay in one of the many chilled out resorts on the outskirts of Yangshuo. Other than being family run, having great service and food, clean rooms with internet, they’ll also remember your name every time they greet you while you reply back with an embarrassing “oh hi……you”.

Don’t: stay anywhere near downtown Yangshuo. It’s a giant swirling vortex of watch! bag! dvd!, shitty tourists, dirty hippies, “western” food and probably even some god-damned nazis. If you have to go, wear a cape and a mask to confuse the hell out of everyone, and bring some bear repellent just to be sure (I heard it works on them nazis).

Do: make sure to arrange all your transportation in advance of leaving wherever it is your staying. Best bet is to hire a driver for the times you need him, like when you’re so drunk you decide to go swimming naked in the Li river with a bunch of naked chicks, who are actually just your clothes that are floating away.

Don’t: expect to be able to hail taxis and pay a metered rate. Supply and demand rules here. Actually demand rules, and supply is its little bitch. The open air taxis are greedy blood sucking vampires. They will stop at nothing to pick you up and bring you somewhere at a grossly inflated rate given the vehicle they are transporting you in will probably break down and go out Hiroshima style on its way there.

Do: eat Guangxi style Chinese food. The chicken soup puts the chicken back in soup. Not that it ever left…well it tried to, but that’s a story for another day. A good restaurant to check out in Guilin is: 祥云居 in 鲁家村. You can find that on 桃花江路.This is a real deal local place, you won’t find it in the LP or Frommers. Once you get there you have to walk across a dam to get to it.

Don’t: bother with the western food in Yangshuo. If you want garbage save yourself the time and go straight to McDonalds. Although it might be a little hard to find.

Do: take a boat cruise down the Li river from Yangti to Xingping and have your photo taken in the famous spot that’s rendered on the 20Y bill despite it being as ridiculously cliché as throwing a penny in a fountain and wishing for world peace or eating dog meat in North Korea. Just watch out for pirates.

Don’t: take one of the big ass cuise boats down the river. They’re noisy, too fast, and akin to trying to take in Route 66 from the back of your grandpa’s Winnebago when you could be in a Cadillac drop top. I would also like to mention that almost every one I saw had a naked dude washing himself in the back of it. Ass pirates. True story.

Do: go exploring into the towns and villages along the river if you can. There’s all kinds of ancient buildings still standing, random chickens doing that thing they do, and well adjusted locals that don’t seem to mind you scoping out their hood.

Don’t: not go to Guangxi. The scenic beauty is something you should never not have the impossibility to lack the chance to see in your lifetime when you aren’t busy not trying to figure out all these double negatives.

I’m writing this for people living in Qingdao, people visiting Qingdao, and most importantly myself because I can never figure out what I want to eat. Chinese food is good. There’s no question there. The problem is that eating out is a group thing. The best restaurants are made for 4+ people. You know, the big round tables with the lazy susannes spinning, zhongnanhai’s gettin up in ya lungs and white liquor going straight to the cerebral cortex. Sure you can still go to these places by yourself or with a friend, but the dishes are all big mofos and you can’t get a whole lot of styles in your order unless you plan on wasting a load of food. So I’ve put together this list of western food joints that Qingdao has. It is divided into two parts. Places that suck balls and places that don’t. My list will feature ISO9000 approved point form rational to make your selection fast and efficient. And yeah I know there’s the redstar and Qingdao guide websites that will show you where they are, but they don’t list some, and they sure as shit don’t tell you if the ones listed are any good.

Places that suck the kahck

Sumo Sushi

• Absurdly expensive sushi, think 25 kuai for one piece the size of a baby’s toe.
• Serious case of the mei-you’s*
• Service is probably the worst I’ve ever experienced in Qingdao, took close to an hour to get our appetizer despite seeing other people who came in after us get theirs much earlier. We had to sit at the bar because other tables were supposedly reserved; yet no one sat at the tables over the 2-hour course of our meal. Waitresses didn’t understand CHINESE. This is because it’s 100% Japanese owned and operated, and even the waitresses are Japanese. BUT this is CHINA retards. If I were Chinese I would come back to this place with a canteen of gas.
• In fact if you go to this place and give them your hard earned loot, you might as well just pay someone to urinate in your mouth while you sleep. It’s the same.
• Also the food sucked.

Murano

• Unless there’s another place that serves ‘53 Margaux like it’s going out of style this is the most expensive restaurant in Qingdao.
• Pasta tastes about as good as I could make it, which means…bleah
• Service is about on par with any other western place, and considering the price of everything plus the service charge, they should be giving you the soufflé special in the back room for what you end up paying.

Bamboo

• The only so-called thai restaurant in town.
• Food is expensive considering what it is. (30-40 kuai a dish)
• All the dishes taste really bland and not spicy, which is pretty much the exact opposite of real thai food.
• Service is anemic.

Napoli

• Advertises as a wine bar/italian restaurant but inside there is no bar whatsoever
• Pastas start at 80 kuai and taste no better than Chef Boyardi’s bastard child
• I’ve heard from a former employee they reuse food. Nuff said.

Sunshine Grill

• Lots of expensive steaks that can be had elsewhere for less.
• Horribly nasty all you can eat lunch buffet for 100 or is it 120 kuai?
• Pretty much everything else on their menu looks like it’s dying from the bubonic plague.

TJ’s Mexican Food

• This place is to Mexican food as a drunken midget is to porn.
• Prices are reasonable, if you like eating chili powder with a small side of food.
• The Nachos are the only redeeming thing on the menu, otherwise, everything else tastes exactly the same.
• Seriously…to the owner of this place…if you want to see how a Mexican restaurant is done, go to Cantina Agave in Shanghai. Case closed.

Sorrento’s Pizza/JJ’s Pizza/Farmer’s Pizza

• These Korean run pizza places don’t really suck so bad, but the pizza is pretty bad compared to proper North American pizza.
• They all use whack ingredients, and shit quality cheese.
• JJ’s uses excessively sweet tomato sauce.
• Farmer’s uses almost no sauce.
• But they all deliver so that’s all they’re good for.

Vietnamese Restaurant in Hisense Shopping Mall (In the basement level)

• Unreasonably expensive for Vietnamese food, but I guess they have to pay the stupid rent to be in the Hisense mall somehow.
• Considering the price, you would think they could have decent sized portions, but no, the pho bowls were all sized for toddlers. Come on man, it’s just noodles!
• The spring rolls were pretty tasty.
• Most of the menu is just Chinese food, or Vietnamese dishes that have been sinofied.
• You have to ask for hot sauce and oyster sauce…umm hello?
• Try it once if you must, but Yueyuxuan in HKGardens has better tasting pho, and is like a third the price.

Places that DON’T SUCK (In order of awesomeness with the slackers at the bottom)

Trattoria Verde

• Best Italian food in Qingdao hands down.
• The place is small and is always packed so make a reservation or you won’t get in.
• The kitchen is open at the back so you can see the work of the Japanese chef on the go, he’s super friendly and takes care of his customers.
• Prices were once reasonable (Cheaper than Napoli and Murano), but have now inflated to borderline unacceptable levels. Think about a 63% increase in some dishes, that’s even higher than the crazy 10% national inflation rate.
• The most of the specials here are seafood dishes, although you can get steaks and the standard but still delicious pasta plates.
• Ironic that the best Italian food in Qingdao is being cooked by a Japanese chef, while the restaurants with supposed Italian chefs are mostly garbaggio.
• Phone number: (+86 532) 8589-8530
• Address: 100 Shanghang Lu

Cassini’s

• Runner up to best Italian food.
• Recently I’ve been enjoying this place more and more, prices are stable, unlike other establishments, and they’ve got the real deal gelato going on.
• Atmosphere upstairs is Modern, and more spacious than than Tratoria.
• Lots of options, from pizza and sandwiches to full mains. Everything I’ve tried has been tasty.
• Although the owners/chefs seem alright, the waitstaff could be better. Right now I would say it’s just average for China, and if you know, that ain’t great. If it were to improve I think Cassini’s could take the #1 spot.

The Greenery Cafe

• This Guangzhou based chain has a clean and modern interior.
• Similar to Chalon, with lots of western based dishes. Prices are better though. And the food quality seems a bit better too.
• Lunches are a good deal with a healthy sized main dish and dessert for 18-25rmb
• They charge a 2rmb seating fee per person, which although insignificant, would become a serious pain in the ass if its occurrence propagated among middle market restaurants here.
• Located in the mess of a building on the other-side of the street facing Crown Plaza, on the second floor.

Story Desserts

• Interestingly decorated place that focuses on desserts, coffee and vino.
• Desserts are the best I’ve had in Qingdao
• Owner/Managers actually care and listen to their clientele.
• Open long hours from 11am-11pm so it’s good when that sweet

tooth needs a fix late in the evening.

• Located in the old location of Banana bar right next to Amy’s Bakery, on the little street that runs behind Feelings Nightclub.

Chi Nuan Lian Izakaya

• Best Japanese Izakaya in Qingdao.
• Open till 1 or 2am usually.
• Not cheap, but not too expensive depending on what you get.
• Super special udon and soba recipes that the Japanese chef stole from a samurai ninja warrior right before he chopped off his head with a ginsu sushi knife.
• Like two doors over from LeBang, wooden exterior, and you’ll know you’re there when a life size ULTRAMAN greets you at the door.
• 19 Chenghai Yi Lu. Phone 8593 5719.

Fatema Indian

• Very tasty Indian food.
• Good variety of dishes.
• But ssssssssssssslllllllllloooooooow.
• Also a little on the pricier side. (250 kuai for 2 people). But they were up till recently the only Indian place in Qingdao thus they had monopoly control and very well could have been feeding us PEOPLE dressed up as Indian food.

Barocook

• Very cheap Korean fast food.
• I enjoy the chicken burgers or toasted sandwiches for 7-9rmb, also massive chicken cutlet for only 25rmb.
• Open late on weekends.

LeBang

• Two for one pizzas on Sundays is good, but I’ve since eaten one too many.
• Sandwiches are also good.
• Prices are reasonable but have been slowly creeping upwards just like everywhere else.
• The bar has a good selection of Pernod and Vodka, and that’s all me needs.

Pyongyang

• A NORTH KOREAN restaurant.
• Real live North Koreans serve you food. But don’t trip over the chains attached to their legs.
• Pretty much tastes like any other Korean food place, but with a novelty factor to the power of 63.
• See my previous post on it here.

Yueyuxuan (越饫轩)

• Good Vietnamese food in Qingdao.
• The only Vietnamese food in Qingdao.
• Pretty cheap considering its “exoticness”.
• It’s on Zhangzhou Er Lu (66 hao) in HK garden very close to Baskin Robbins.

Celena’s Chocolate Bar

• Cafe/dessert place located in the Aushotel at Yan’an Rd. and Hong Kong West Rd.
• Very clean and modern design. What this actually translates into is chairs that feel like they’re going to launch into space.
• Prices are expensive and portions are small, so basically you’re just paying to be on the set of 2001 Space Odyssey.
• Japanese fashion magazines brought back memories of Doll’s Kitchen…unfortunately they didn’t have Egg.
• The food itself? The chocolate is all top notch quality. The waffles were a bit on the sweet side for my tastes, not to mention doused in chocolate sauce, but if you like sweet things, you can’t go wrong here.

Monnemer Eck

• German/Bavarian what have you, I don’t know?
• Has lots of sausages and potatoes.
• Good German beer on tap that’s a nice switch from Tsingtao.
• Prices are good, maybe 50 kuai/person.
• German people are friendly when they’re drunk.

May 4th Diner

• It isn’t a diner.
• But it does serve food that can be very tasty.
• And sometimes not so tasty
• And sometimes the service is very good
• And sometimes the waiters have their heads stuck up their asses they resemble popple dolls from the 80’s.
• But more often than not it’s still pretty good.

JUSCO

• Jusco is a large mall type complex on Hong Kong middle road at Fuzhou South Road.
• It is owned by a Japanese corporation, and as such is filled with a cornucopia of Japanese products and restaurants.
• In it, you will find some good Japanese restaurants all priced very reasonably.
• Be warned however, Jusco also contains an outpost of the unholy army of Ronald McDonald, and a food court that is most certainly owned and operated by MSG companies.

Japanese restaurant across from DaNiang dumplings 2nd floor jusco

• My new favorite place inside of Jusco.
• Very good quality pork cutlets, and more food than you can handle for 25-40rmb.
• Never too busy, so it sure as hell beats standing in line for Aijisen.

Aijisen(in jusco)

• Ubiquitous Japanese noodle chain restaurant.
• Very cheap.
• Usually decent tasting but not amazing.
• Usually pretty fast unless you order something unusual, like deep-fried squid infused with goose liver flown in from the Bermuda triangle.

Japanese place opposite McDo’s in Jusco (Sorry can’t remember name)

• Interesting pancake/burger like things that I can’t really describe.
• Cheap and will fill you up.
• Very tasty potatoes.
• Supposedly Osaka style according to my friend…who’s from Osaka.

Istanbul - Turkish in food court of IGO

• Good Turkish food.
• Very cheap.
• You have to get one of those stupid payment cards to buy food there.
• The location is so absurd for this type of place it’s sure to be bankrupt in a matter of months.
• The chef is Turkish, but can only speak Turkish and German, no English, which makes me wonder how the hell he gets along in this country considering the only two languages spoken are Mandarin and English.

Chalon(in jusco)

• Japanese western food, made by Chinese people.
• Lots of meats that don’t cost an arm and a leg.
• Very consistent quality and service.
• Good fall back plan when nothing else suits.

Kalinka’s

• Russian place behind mykal.
• Food is decent. Although I can’t say I’m really into Russian food.
• They used to (or may still have) 30rmb lunches that were very good and were like 4 courses.

Pasta Fresca Al Salvatore

• Italian food.
• Best pizza I’ve had in Qingdao so far, although that isn’t saying much, it was still up to Dominos level.
• Prices were about the same as Napoli or LaVilla so think about 100-150 per person.
• Didn’t try the Pasta, but I’ve heard it’s decent.
• For some reason it always seems empty.

LaLuna

• Italian/French type food.
• Service was good, food was good.
• Price was a bit cheaper than its sucky counterparts.
• Might not be open anymore because the mob might have shut it down in a gangbanger shootout where the french owner was heard yelling “SACRE BLUE!” before transmuting into a frog and hopping to his safety???
• update: definitely no more

Your Mom’s Place

• I love home cooking.

I will also be adding and updating to this list as I remember and try out places, or when I get really bored.

* For those that don’t know the mei-you’s or 没有 is what the waitress says when they don’t have what you want. It literally means, “no-have”. Normally excusable, it can get uber-frustrating as often half the things on the menu will be mei-yous. I can deal with it at Chinese places because they all have like 300 items on their damned menu, but when it happens at a supposedly upscale western restaurant…heads roll.

Tonight, I went on a date with one of my friends to Hot Pot. I have never been to such a restaurant, even though I’ve heard many a rave about how good this style of cuisine is. While no one is really certain where the hot pot concept came from, most scholars agree that it was likely the idea of some enterprising (read: lazy) chefs who decided it would just be easier to make the customers cook the food themselves. I dined at a Sichuan Hot Pot restaurant, which has it’s own unique style, or so I was told.

Hot pot cuisine consists of…..a hot pot. You go and pick the food you want to cook from one room, then the waiter brings a pot to your table that looks like a volcano surrounded by a moat. You cook the food in the moat. Sounds pretty simple eh? In theory, it would be quite simple, except for the westerner, the choices of food leave a little to be desired. Our picks were:

1. Mutton
2. Mini-Squids
3. Ink-Fish Balls
4. Gelatinous Duck Blood
5. Tripe
6. Finger Shellfish (that was just my name for them, cause thats what they looked like)

I would like to point out that these were the most appetizing things I could possibly select from the room with all the food. You know you’ve got a wealth of options when Duck Blood makes forth most viable plate. According to my friend, this was one of her favorites.

Luckily the mutton was decent, not great, but decent, especially when combined with the peanut butter and vinegar sauce you dip everything in. Yes, peanut butter and vinegar made it taste better. The minisquids were very chewy, so I avoided them after the first. The fish balls were kinda gooey, but I don’t really like eating fish, and I definitely don’t like eating balls. The duck blood was actually the sleeper, it tasted like a salty tofu, so not bad, but knowing what it really was brought down its flavor rating by 120%. I don’t eat friggin tripe. I only had one finger shellfish because there was too much brine in its taste, it’s eyeballs were popped out from being cooked, and I kept imagining them talking to me saying “EH Guv’nor!”

So here’s what I think about Hot Pot. Me cooking unknown seafood items is like playing Russian Roulette. But instead of a quick and painless demise, there’s a chance one of these shellfish fingerlings turns my stomach into a scene from a grindhouse flick. Not good. As such, I devised a clever set of strategies to deal with eating at these restaurants.

Avoiding Certain Death at Hot Pot Restaurants

• Order a large bottle of beer, and down said beer as fast as possible for courage.
• Continuously comment to your date/friends on how delicious the food is, and that you’ve never tried such “interesting” dishes before.
• Eat the mutton and side dish of noodles, and only after they’ve been dunked in the boiling water long enough to sterilize the 20 different strains of salmonella breeding on them.
• Inquire about the dishes people are eating at other tables even though they’re eating the exact same thing as you. While your friends are trying to figure this out, try and take as much of the other crap food and sink it in the pot like the freakin Titanic. Lucky for you the pot is deep, and everything but the fish balls deep six.
• Take a large leaf of lettuce and cover the fish balls. When someone asks you what the hell you’re doing, make up some lame excuse like the fish balls’ flavor is photosensitive, or they need sleep too. Pray that they forget they’re there.
• “Che Bao Le” Means: I’m full, lets get out of here before the finger shellfish start reciting Macbeth.
• Once your friend(s) are out of sight, hit the nearest McDonalds like a fat kid for the first time.

More pictures after the link.

Bubble bubble toil and trouble.

This isn’t tofu.

You can have any dish you want, as long as I don’t have to eat any of it.

I think the fumes from the Volcano were getting to me.