I could go on about the unrelenting and unholy legions, the asshole motorcycles trying to drive through them, the ubiquitous litter that made me wonder how people could disrespect such a supposedly cherished place, the endlessly repetitive trinket shops, the stinky tofu*, the crappy renovated courtyard homes you had to pay to see, the horse that tried to bite me after I bit it, etc, etc. Instead I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Recommending this place to visit wouldn’t be too far from a nutritionist recommending a diet of thumb tacks and broken glass. There were some less crowded areas outside of the centre of the town, and they weren’t horrible, but hardly worth traveling there for.

The only really good thing I can remember about the trip was thinking to myself on the bus ride home that it was over and I would never have to go back.

*On every corner of the town there was a vendor and perhaps next to him was another one, selling stinky tofu (臭豆腐). Stinky is a complete understatement. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the most repugnant smelling food known to man. It reeks of feces. Exactly like shit. The first time I encountered it, I thought I had stepped in some. Not of the canine variety, actual human dung. I have not tried it, and I’m not willing to on the basis that it probably tastes of excrement as well. The pervasive stench seared the spring air and was inescapable throughout the town. We were warned about this before we came, sadly we didn’t listen.

Having some time to kill on a random weekend, I thought I’d see this pumped up beefcake and if it could point me in the direction of the beach.

Taking advice from some other people who clearly know better than me, I visited on a Sunday afternoon, which is supposedly the least crazy time. Indeed, buying tickets was fast and straightforward, and the line through the security theatre moved at brisk pace not unlike a Chinese airport. What was crazy however, was the guy we spotted not long after arriving, who was contemplating jumping off one of the pavilions.

We got bored of watching the drama (or lack thereof) and since time was of the essence we checked out a few pavilions.

All of the pavilions fall into one of three formulas:

1) A giant gift shop selling things that may or may not be related to the pavilion’s country.

2) A several hour wait, followed by 15 minutes of videos about the pavilion’s country’s environment/culture/future/relationship with China projected in an artsy way (ie. on the walls, floors, inflatable animals hanging from the ceiling, giant and horrifying animatronic babies)

3) Megapavilions containing dozens of minipavilions with minilines forming to get coveted novelty passport stamps.

Even the best of the pavilions only rivaled a good art gallery. They would get bitch slapped good and proper by any quality museum. I should mention that almost any big pavilion required a multi-hour wait to get into. We had the connections however, so there were no lines for us. Being a smug bastard, I couldn’t help but wonder who wants to wait in line for hours just to see a weak art show? Then it dawned upon me as I walked by them. Millions of Chinese people, that’s who. So the architecture was neat, and I suppose that was worth seeing in person, but at the end of the day none of the designs are practical for anything but showing off. So again another question was boggling my noodle, is this all just a global penis jousting match?

Other than the dude who was going to try and swan dive into the pavement, there was two things the expo had going for it. The first was all the different shapes and textures that you could catch as part of the pavilions. The second infinite masses of provincials that inundated the place. I’ll talk about them later, for now, pretty pictures:

First let’s start by stating the obvious, my original plan was to check out all the villages of the 9 Towns 1 City project. For those unfamiliar with it, it was a one of those cockamamie schemes the city government came up with to rejuvenate a bunch of these suburban villages. It’s goal was to transform a bunch of towns into little “European” themed towns that yuppies could flock to, driving developer and thus government revenue from places that were anything but flush with cash. To figure out whether or not this plan was a success, ask yourself this: Who the fuck wants to live an hour outside of downtown in a shit stain quality knock off of a European village with your only connection to the core being a subway line that closes at 10pm? Exactly. Speculators bought up, but no one actually moved in. Check out some of that top caliber construction in the 3rd picture below:

Luckily there was lots of Gaoqiao that was spared the wrecking ball. There’s many buildings from the Qing Dynasty, and the local heritage comittee has even put plaques up on the buildings giving the vital details. The one building in the sign below was dated: 清代 约120年 that I take to mean 120 years into the Qing Dynasty, or 1764. Pretty impressive by Chinese standards. All of these buildings still had people living, working and doing whatever it is they do in there, so it was pretty lively in those backstreets (although they were afraid my camera lens would devour their souls).

There was also lots of buildings that had been molested and defiled by more mordern buildings. You could catch glimpses of these dirty old bastards everywhere.

Some of the buildings even had these cancerous tumors growing on them. Check out the close up of the one below. The only thing that comes to mind are the letters w t and f.

There was also one or two buildings circa colonial times below. Not surprisingly, the old chap held up quite well despite looking like it was meant to hold crazies.

And then came the revival. Lots of new “old” Chinese styled buildings going up. I’m not sure how I feel about these. On one hand they’re certainly better than massively bland apartment blocks and a lack of human scale. On the other hand there’s a tattoo of a midget with a lightning bolts…No wait I mean the jury’s still out. I’m sure there’s bad things about them, but the beer I’m drinking right now is making me sedate.

Finally, all the other styles. Commie blocks, the ubiquitous white tiles (Good god would I love to be the man who owned the factory that made those in the 80′s), 90′s villa style, 00′s highrise and of course the glass and steel office buildings that no neighborhood in Shanghai is complete without.

So I hopped in my chauffeured humvee (which coincidentally fits as many people as a subway train and also is painted blue with name LINE 8 ) and headed into the yonder to see these dying villages and what remains. My first stop was Pujiang Station. Well in reality, my magical humvee also made stops at People’s Square Station, South Tibet Road and several other insignificant places before Pujiang, but I was rocking out to Pulled Apart by Horses at that time.

Here’s how I would think if I lived like a communist: Toilet won’t flush. Well let me see here. Since the place is mine, and what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is his, and his is the peoples’ and we are the people…now where was I? Oh right…I’ll let another comrade sort the shitter out, where’s my vodka at? I suppose the slow disintegration of the buildings might also have to do with all the handymen being sent to the farms during the general chaos of the Cultural Devolution and the Great Leap Backwards. However I’m going to place my bets on Home Depot having poor hours and shitty service back then.

On with the show.

Pujiang wasn’t totally abandoned. There was still some life along a main street through the middle of the town with shops and people doing a whole lot of nothing. There was also the most ramshable pool hall I have ever seen. Check out the one dude just past out on the table. Actually it was so hot that day I wanted to join him…errr…not on the same table of course. Shut up, you know what I mean.

Even though Shanghai sits on the Pacific (or East China Sea for you pedants), there ain’t much beach action going on here. Seems like they’ve used every inch of shoreline for container ports, factory waste dumpage or expo grounds. So it being summer and all, some friends and I decided to trek out to Shengsi Island to get some unhealthy doses of solar radiation, and booze.

Shengsi Island is actually not part of Shanghai. It falls under the administrative incompetence of Zhejiang Province. To get there requires a taxi from wherever you are in Shanghai to the bus station underneath the Nanpu bridge, followed by an hour or so bus ride to a desolate part of Pudong where the ferry terminal is, and then a 70 minute boat ride to the island itself. The boat is the worst part, the seats are tightly packed, the Chinese tourists don’t handle the sea well, and if your stomach isn’t sick, the non-stop Mr. Bean on the TVs ensure your brain is. Avoid the washrooms at all costs. You’ve been warned.

Once you’re there, the island is pretty fucking ace. The air is as clean as you’re going to get in Asia, and that means there’s some awesome clouds doing their thing above you. Yes I love clouds.

When you plan your trip, it’s crucial you find a decent place to stay. I would not advise being bamboozled into 2 large rooms without beds for $150 a night, as our group was. Instead, there’s lots of guest houses around, and my independence seeking friend and I scored a nice air-conditioned and mosquito free place for $15 a night. Always remember to play the student card even if you’re rocking grey hair, suspenders and a sweater vest.

About those mosquitoes, you’ll want to bring the strongest repellent known to man, cause the little buggers aren’t little at all. They’re actually man eating beasts that move with the agility of mountain goats on crystal meth. I’m not really sure what that means, but they make Vlad Ţepeș look like a punk ass bitch.

The initial place we were staying at (the scamming rat bastards) had a “private beach”. What they really meant was a spit of sand covered in toxic waste from the nearby fishing/industrial village down the way. Luckily a 15 minute walk lead us to the massive, pristine Nanchangtu (南长途) beach with decent waves and practically no other people. Yeah it cost 20kuai to get in, but it was well worth being turned into a fried tomato, thanks to the Sun’s loving atomic rays.

The food on the island is mostly a poisonous variety of seafood that will destroy your intestines with the intensity of a thousand piranhas. I survived on granola bars and beef jerky acquired on the mainland. That’s called thinking ahead people. The best plan, would be to bring a small bbq, and get groceries from the town, and have a sweet rave party on the beach with glowing sweat. Interestingly, the main cash crop of the island was edamame beans that were in fact delicious.

If you can stomach other people not stomaching the boat ride, Shengsi island is a natural escape from the evil clutches of Shanghai. Just remember mosquitoes as big as 747s and seafood as bad as Michael Jackson circa 1987.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been walking/biking/skidaddling by the corner of Nanjing Rd and Shaanxi Rd wondering like a little monkey just what the hell was going on inside a giant box that was sitting there. I wonder no longer, for they have revealed the contents. The contents of the box being…A BAG!

This isn’t just any ordinary bag however, it’s a giant handbag crafted out of fluorescent lights encased in a glass box coated with mirrors entitled Sac par Lady Dior. At first, your eyes can’t help but be drawn towards the light, as if you were heading towards that magical place in the sky. Then your eyes become fixated on it and you begin to stare, your corneas fry just like an insect flying into one of those buzzing lights you can always find in restaurant kitchens.

I don’t care too much for name brand stuff. Actually I do only in so far that one day I’d like it all to be wiped from the collective human consciousness with a J-Cloth™ and some Windex™. I do give Dior and Li Songsong (李松松) snaps here for coming up with something puts even a marijuana grow-op’s hydro bills to shame. Not to mention walking away from this work, the only thing on your mind is GIANT GLOWING DIOR HANDBANG. So it’s definitely effective to say the least.

It does raise some interesting questions about advertising and art, and where the line is drawn. However photography is more my thing, so I’ll leave the drawing to someone else.

I would say that flying in china you probably have about a 60% chance of your flight being delayed. If there’s a hint of any meteorological phenomenon, your chances of flying on time are about as good as opening a gay bar in Iran called Mohomo’s. Normally though, the weather isn’t bad and instead they give patently bullshit reasons why the plane is static. I was bored at the airport on my most recent trip out of Shanghai, so I grabbed a shot of the sterile and meaningless excuse they give:

What the hell is flow control supposed to be? The septic system backed up or something? Too many planes flying? Then why did they schedule that many flights in the first place?!

Now, if they’re going to make up obvious lies, they might as well go the whole nine yards. So I’ve taken it upon myself to show the Chinese airlines how it should be done. Maybe, just maybe, if they added some comedy to this ridiculous and all too often scenario, people wouldn’t get into fist fights at the airports. After all, we all know how Chinese people love to wait around for things.

I rencently went on a lengthy tour of the big three Asian cities. Along with a series of photos of them, here’s a few words to tag along.

All of these cities are vying to be “Asia’s World City”, much like Toronto silly quest to be “world class”. The truth is, it really depends on what you’re looking for in a city cause they’re starkly different.

上海

Personally the city that offers the most to someone my age, that is to say early twenties to early thirties, is without a doubt Shanghai. It’s still dirt cheap compared to most of the real world class cities like New York or London. You can easily get by on $10-15 a day eating out. Rent should be available close to downtown for about $500 a month in a 1 bedroom. I think the biggest draw however, is the bar scene. I have yet to go anywhere in the world where you can likely find an all you can drink every night for approximately $15. It’s also got plenty of high end bars if you’re interested in spending $15 a drink. The once again growing Western influence insures that lots of foreign brands of most products are available. And there is still some of that dirty Chinese city attitude left (although diminishing).

香港

Hong Kong is the next rung up the ladder of class. The restaurants are better, and there’s more of them. The city is organized and everything is available in English. The tax situation is also very good, and I find that imported goods are cheaper than the mainland. I wasn’t as impressed with the bar scene there as in Shanghai. I would definitely like to live in HK someday, but probably not until I’m over 35 because it’s more expensive than Shanghai. Rent can approach New York levels depending on where you are. Food is still pretty reasonable, but not as cheap as Shanghai unless you only want fast food or Chinese food for every meal. The shopping here is excellent, you can get any product in the world. I really like the transport system, as it’s very easy to use, and the electronic payment cards (octopus) can be used in 7/11’s and some food outlets. There is a direct train that can take you from the airport to downtown very quickly for about $25, and the airport there is the best I’ve every visited in regards to modernity and efficiency.

東京

Tokyo is in a class of it’s own. It definitely sits at the world level with the likes of Paris, New York and London. I just don’t think that I could ever live there, unless I learned Japanese. Despite being at an international level, the multi-cultures here are limited to Japanese subcultures and not those of the world. Most people do not speak English, or are too shy to use what they know. The food is definitely amazing though, better than almost anywhere I would say except New York. The Japanese of course have all their popular dishes such as sushi, izakaya, shabu shabu, soba, etc, but they can also do Western food just as good as any chef in France or California. This is, after all, the land of the Iron Chef. Once again, you can get any thing you want when shopping. In particular if your raison d’être is electronics, video games or robots, this is the place to be. There’s also lots of Japanese exclusives that will never be available outside the city unless their exported at a price. The bar scene here is alright, but nothing great. I don’t even think it’s as good as Toronto. The other big thing that would keep me from ever moving here is the fact that everything is ludicrously expensive. Luckily on my recent trip there, the dollar was rocking the yen hard at the exchange rates, but last year when I was visiting, the rate made everything absurdly expensive. I don’t even want to mention the apartments that you’ll walk out of disappointed after learning that what you saw was in fact the entire apartment, and not a closet. that To really live it up here, you’d need to be a multi-millionaire no doubt.

So with all that, it’s clear for me the natural progression is Shanghai, then eventually HK, with nightly trips to Tokyo for dinner and to pick up the latest gadgets. Probably the best thing about these three cities is that they’re so close to each other and getting between them is relatively cheap and easy compared to most cities I’ve travelled between. Anyone making their first trip to Asia, Shanghai is definitely the first city you need to check out. Unless you’re going specifically for something in Japan, it’s a tough place for visitors. HK is a close second choice to SH, because it’s super easy to get around, eat, and do everything, but you don’t get the same bang for your buck.

But forget about that.

I had a burrito today that could rival Burrito Boyz, and I have a bottle of Absolut with my name on it that is currently depleting rapidly. More to follow…

After my gluttony, I went to check out Nanjing Xi Lu, which if anything is Shanghai’s answer to Fifth Avenue. Unlike its American counterpart, Nanjing West is more about giant malls than flagship stores. This definitely makes a huge difference. I’m not into the whole luxury brand thing. I’d rather see nice and clever design than wrapping something up in a label. But on this street you could find every big label. The problem was, despite there being 3 or 4 big malls, they were all pretty much identical. I counted 5 Cerutti 1898 stores and they were all empty, on a Sunday afternoon. This was typical of China’s obsession with overbuilding things of excess. A city will have 2 supermarkets that are overflowing with people till close, but it will have 3 luxury boutique malls that are always empty. There was nothing special about any of the stores; they all carried the same expensive crap, which I assume was selected from the brands’ catalogues to fit the Chinese market’s conservative style. No exclusives, and no niche designers, and there were no high-end Shanghai designers to be found.

After my stroll, I met up with a friend at my hotel and we went to Southern Barbarian for Yunan food. This is a type of cuisine from the southwest, and it’s BBQ. The food was awesome; we had fried goat cheese (cheese in china, at a Chinese restaurant can only be a sign of the apocalypse), BBQ chicken, pork, fish and potato pancake. They also had my new favorite beer, Erdinger. Awesome meal and it only came to about 220rmb with 4 damn fine beers making up half of that.

After dinner we went around town for a walk drinking much warmer, ass-tastic beer. We managed to wobble our way to the Shanghai railway station, and then proceeded to navigate our way through the raw humanity to the subway station. The subway car’s AC didn’t seem to be able to handle the 40 thousand sweaty bodies crammed into it. I was secretly hoping someone might spontaneously explode and in doing so clear some breathing space. We made our way back down to Nanjing Dong Lu and tried to terrorize the touts that offered us watches, bags and girl “massajies”. Most of the time, as soon as they knew we could speak mandarin they left us alone. The guys who offered “massajies” were the best, because I would tell them in Chinese that I was gay*, and that I’d only accept a personal massage from them. Now I understand how China will have Olympics sprinters.

Eventually, we wound up at a bar/club called Windows, which is the typical cheap expat scene, but manages to stay busy late into the morning. We stayed till the sun rose. As we were leaving, we met a small consortium of beggars and their kids at the steps of the club. The girl my friend met foolishly gave 25rmb to one of the beggars (which I imagine is a small fortune to them), which was a stupid mistake, and made me question whether she was really from Shanghai. After this unholy act was committed, a dark portal opened up somewhere and literally brigades of hobos started appearing, and then chased us down the street as we tried frantically to hail a cab. The kids would latch themselves onto us and scream the only things they knew in English: “hello hello” and “money money”, which funny enough are the same things that come out of most Chinese girls mouth’s when they talk to foreigners. Luckily I had a spare holy hand grenade on me, which I used to properly disintegrate the unruly masses that had entrenched us, and then two cabs arrived in the nick of time. I passed out at the hotel and the next thing I knew I was back in the redneck village of Qingdao.

*To which I must absolutely ascertain to anyone who doesn’t know me that I am 110% straight, which should go without saying, but unfortunately from the number of unwanted advances I’ve had from men here, I must now go out of my way to make blatant.