Standing in the shadow of the Toronto Chinese Consulate and gazing on, insane asylum and a fortress both come to mind. A quick ID check at the gate house and I slid past the 10 foot high spiked fence to the courtyard, where pasted up against the walls are faded pictures of various Chinese accomplishments, like rocket launches and some guy playing a broken banjo. You may assume that the security around the building is to keep all the crazy FG protesters out. Wrong. The real reason is so that they can keep all the visa applicants IN.

Just after I take a deep breath to open the door and brace myself for the onslaught of humanity, some sneaky bastard cuts in front of me, throws the door open in my face, and gets into the line that was now spilling outside of the building.

90% of people in line were Chinese, who you would think have been to China at least once before, yet for some reason, none of them had the forms filled out, and they often cut in and out of the line to get missing pages, photocopies, passport photos and whatever other forged documents they needed to make sure that when they go back the Chinese government doesn’t repossess them.

As I stood there waiting for what seemed like hours, and then days passed by, the sour stench of restless bodies encircled my head, making me dream of having one of those buttons that you can press to make everyone incinerate and implode at the same time, taking their smells with them. Oh you’ve never tried one of those buttons? They’re rad, but Doomsday Depot was sold out last I checked.

The little hellions running around, crying, grabbing other people’s applications and then putting them in their mouths provided some entertainment at first, but grew old quick, and ultimately had me calling my doctor’s office to book a vasectomy.

Then there’s the sketchy white dudes that look like sex tourists. No scratch that. It couldn’t be anymore obvious that these guys ARE sex tourists, what with their constant leering at every female present, to their mustaches and outdated fashion that although being really trendy right now, still looks like they just finished serving 15 years for child molestation. I can only hope that these losers take home some bianxings and wind up with more than they bargained for. Two balls and a dick more than they bargained for.

The worst are the agents. The agents are people who work for travel or tour companies, or visa services that have a huge stack of visa applications to go through. Right when I’ve got one person left in front of me, and I think I’ve almost escaped from this dungeon of despair, buddy ahead of me pulls a huge stack of visa applications out of his pants like he’s a fucking kangaroo. Then of course after checking and double checking all the forms, the consular person determines that John Lee’s name should be spelt Jon Li, and then cue the agent on the phone with the guy, yelling at each other for like 15 minutes. All the while I’m wishing that there was an armed PLA officer stationed here so he could ʈianamen square my ass.

Finally I got to the window, slid my application and my passport under, and before I have a chance to ask when I can pick it up, the lady hands me a slip and says “Come get it next Monday”. At that point, I was thinking of asking things like, “hows your salary?”, “what’s your take on Obama’s medicare bill?” or “why are you wearing arm warmers over a winter jacket?” It was one of those times where you’ve spent so long in line, and that the service you get is so little, that you feel like making shit up just to get your time’s worth. With what little sanity I had remaining, I decided against it, because at the end of the day if I wanted to have any left, I’d need to go while the going was good. There would be plenty more opportunities to lose my mind the next week, when I would be stuck in the pickup line that was twice as long.

Let’s examine the different visa classes together shall we?

L Visa

The L visa is mostly given to tourists and people coming to visit relatives. The L stands for “Loser” as in you will lose massive amounts of cash from everything like over priced entry tickets, to detour prone taxi drivers, to ridiculous gifts you will have to bring for your Chinese relatives. These visas are normally limited to between 1-3 months of time in China, and most of the time you’ll only get one or two entries on them.  Because of their lucrative nature for the government, they are widely available and easy to get. Just head to your nearest Chinese consulate or embassy, fork over some dough and a mugshot or two, and you’ll have your pass into the largest walmart in the world.

X Visa

The X visa is what is given to students before they come to China. The X actually stands for “X-Ray”, because X-rays are a critical part of the battery of health tests foreign students will need to undertake on return to their home countries after consuming massive amounts of dodgy street meat, fake booze, and breathing too much air while playing ultimate frisbee. These visas are usually good for 3-6 months stay in China, and are generally converted into residence permits on arrival, which allows for unlimited entry and exit. They are harder to get, as you need to apply into a Chinese University program that allows foreigners, and generally pay a whole term’s tuition up front before being given the visa (5000-10000RMB). Remember, once you’ve lined the pockets of the dean with money to spend on Russian classmates that you will see on the attendance lists but never actually in class, they will forget about you. Hound those bastards like you’ve just been released and you’ve got bees in your mouth, and when you bark they sting people.

F Visa

The F visa is the bane of my existence. The F could stand for many things such as “fallback”, “foreigner” and “fool” among others. I however like to think it simply means “fuck”, as in, you’ll be fucked around perpetually if you have this visa. It’s supposed to be good for stays in China from 6-12 months, and have multiple entries. Getting them is sometimes easy, sometimes impossible, and sometimes both depending on your space-time coordinates in the Chinese singularity. Getting them outside of China usually means providing a stamped invitation from a registered Chinese company to the consulate, but within China there’s a slew agents that can do the dirty work for you. And it is dirty. The problem is that the people in charge of the rules for these are as consistent as your stool during your first three weeks in this lovely country. If there’s any kind of special event going on, like the Olympics, or this year’s 60th anniversary of the founding of someplace that was founded 5000 years ago (one of the greatest mathematical conundrums mankind has faced), then all bets are off, and it’s anyone’s guess as to how much it will cost, how many entries you’ll be able to get, and how long it will be useable for. They’re usually the most cost effective visas to get, and as such are perfect for hippies, miscreants, and other nutjobs who want to love China long time. Be warned though, your attempts to get this visa will rape your soul and leave you crying naked in a dark corner somewhere, hopeless.

Z Visa

The Z visa is a visa given to people who are coming over here on a contract to work with a Chinese or wholly owned foreign enterprise. The Z is from “Zombie” which is what you will inevitably be transformed into after working in China for any length of time. Getting one depends simply on getting on job with a company that has the authority to hire foreigners. Usually they can only be acquired outside of the country, but if you’re willing to part with the cash, you can save the trip by dealing with agents in Beijing or Shanghai. They’re usually converted into residence permits shortly after arrival in China, are good for one year, and have multiple entry-exit. I know Z’ers may look down on us F’ers, and rightly so. But don’t forget you pay taxes suckas!

J Visa

The J Visa is given to journalists wishing to enter China. Contrary to popular belief, the J does not stand for “journalism”, but instead it means “jingoism” of the Chinese variety of course, which is exactly the type of writing that foreign journalists will have to write if they wish to pass into China on a legit visa. In order to get it, you’ll need to be able to pass a test of taking a fox news report and replacing every instance of “Republican Party” with “CCP” and “War on Terror” with “Harmonious Society”. As a bonus feature of this visa, on leaving you will need to submit all your writings to the Ministry of Propaganda for approval and certification. If it is not deemed worthy, you will be sentenced to a re-education camp in the hinterlands to learn about the fabulous 5000-year history of China (or how to shovel cow dung).

D Visa

The D Visa was a legendary visa, supposedly given to those as a permanent residence permit. It has been rendered obsolete by the actual permanent residence permit, something akin to a greencard. No one really knows what the D meant, but my guess is that it probably means “Dickless”, as that’s what you’d have to be in order to suck up to the government enough to get one of these. The permit is useful for 5 or 10 years, and is multiple entry of course. So how do you get a permanent resident permit? You don’t. The permanent resident card gets you.

C, G, and Other Visas

There are few other visas that are available to special people with special situations. The C visa is for airline hostesses and pilots, and maybe those people who work on boats. Big boats. Size matters. I’m almost certain that the G visa is has been killed by transit visas that are issued on arrival in the big airports of Shanghai or Beijing. There’s also visas that you can get in Shenzhen that are good for a few days, or hours, or whatever the case may be that limit you to the Shenzhen area. I’m not entirely confident that I could provide you with an answer that vaguely resembles my horribly skewed concept of factual information on how these work. Diplomats also get special visas, but seriously I doubt you’re the American ambassador to China and you’re coming to this blog to find out how to get it. If you are…God help us all.

Eventually if you’re living in China, you’re gonna need to do a visa run. Although Fukuoka is a popular visa run spot for the Korean English teacher crowd, for some reason China expats stay away like a gay dude hiding from a vagina. HK is (or was now that the Olympic visa regime is in full effect) the place most expats hit up when they’re looking for a quick cheap visa. Although HK is interesting, you live in China damn it, so why not try a completely different culture? I know you say because it’s absurdly expensive, but there’s a reason why this run is to Fukuoka and not Tokyo. Depending on when you do it (like now for instance), this visa run might actually be cheaper than going to HK.

Unless you’re traveling on a rocket ship made out of grease lightning, you aren’t going to make it to the consulate before it closes at 11am. This is ok, because it gives you ample time to get sorted with your hostel/hotel and to get oriented with the city. You’ll need 2 nights or 3 days to do this.

Landing at the international terminal of FUK you then can take a free but longer-than-it should be shuttle bus that goes to the main domestic terminal. Sometimes I wonder why they didn’t just make a giant tunnel connecting them with one of those people mover ramps. Better still would be a giant catapult that launched weary travelers into a vat of live chickens. From here you can get on the subway and head straight downtown. Just stay on the same train and get off at Hakata Station, nice and easy. Hakata station is pretty big, because it also has the JR bullet trains on the upper floors, and has dozens of stores and restaurants built into it.

If you’re not looking to waste money you could be spending on delicious Japanese booze, you should stay at one of the two hostels in the general vicinity of Hakata Station. These places are the cheapest in Fukuoka unless you want to resort to a bottle of Suntory Whiskey and a park bench. If you want a more social atmosphere, and a closer walk to the station, you’ll want to stay at the Khaosan Fukuoka Hostel. The people there are friendly, helpful and obsessively clean. There is also lots of those weirdo backpacker people that never seem to shave or cut their hair sneaking around. As weird as they are, get a few beers in em and they’re good times. This website will show you exactly how to get there from Hakata Station. KFH has dorms for 2500 yen, and single private rooms for 3500 yen, but the single rooms are the size of a closet, and have no furniture except a mattress and covers on the ground. Check-in seems to be from 9am-9pm and check out is 11am. There is no curfew, but they lock the door at 9pm, they give you a code for the door on a piece of paper, don’t lose it like I did and spend your night watching drunken salary men stumble home.

Fukuoka Youth Hostel is just a bit further away, and offers much larger rooms, but a more sterile atmosphere. They seem to cater more to Japanese than international backpackers so it’s boring but quieter. Note that the cheapest rooms FYH has are 3500 yen doubles though they’re the same size as a business hotel room. The bathrooms there are shared but bigger and more private than Khaosan. Supposedly there’s no curfew, but I was told they lock the door at 1am so I don’t know how that’s going to work. I didn’t feel like experimenting after forgetting the code at the Khaosan. Also check-in isn’t until 4pm so if you arrive before that, you can leave your bags (for them to put in your room if it’s empty WTF??) So both have trade-offs. Personally I think it would be better to stay at the KFH on the weekends when there are lots of people around, plus you can get in and out at any time. Check below for how to get to the Fukuoka youth hostel.

The cheapest way to get to the consulate is to get on the subway at Hakata and go to Nishijin Station. Check my map down below and follow these instructions: Get out at exit 3 and walk till you get to the big intersection and turn right, keep heading up that road along the creek until you get passed the third bridge. You’ll know you’re there when you see lots of guards around it, possibly the special police, and also a big group of nationalist protestors and their ridiculous vans covered in Japanese flags and loudspeakers spewing off crazy sounding rants. The full walk is about 10-15mins. Also on the way back to Hakata, make sure to get on the right train, some trains switch lines and head to Kaizuka, you don’t want to go there, trust me.

Once inside, take a number immediately by pushing the top button on the machine. While you’re waiting to be called fill out the form. The applications line is on the right and the left line is where you come to pick up and pay for your visa. As of May 2008 you need:

• Full accommodation itinerary printout of hotel bookings with your name on it from the computer OR
• Housing Contract with your name on it that states where you live OR
• Written invitation from a resident that says you’ll be staying with them for the duration of the visa and copies of their ID card, etc.
• Returns air tickets in and out of the country
• Photocopy of your passport and the Japanese visa you have (they have a pay per use photocopy machine in the consulate)
• 1 passport photo
• And you’ll be damned if you forget your passport.

The next day head back to the consulate. Don’t forget your receipt. Pop 7000 yen into the machine at the entrance, you’ll actually need to buy a 6000 and 1000 yen ticket because for some reason they don’t sell 7000 yen tickets. If you’re lucky like me, the machine will have a nervous breakdown while you’re using it and the accountant will come out from a little box proceed to beat the crap out of the machine. Once you get the tickets head to the window on the far left, where you’ll get your visa back. Once you’ve got it, you’re free to get the hell out of Japan, or stay and enjoy some pork ramen.

MAPS

Ok just follow the main street that runs diagonal from Yodobashi camera, its the same street you use to get to Khaosan. You might want to take a bus because it’s about a 20 min walk. Go until you get to the Mobil gas station, turn right, then turn left at the Lawsons which is very close, and you’ll see on the left. Follow the green line on the map. Get on any bus that has the characters 山王丁一 and you’ll get there for about 250 yen. If you get lost the address for the taxis is: 6-7-23 Hakata-eki Minami, Hakata-ku, Fukuoka-shi OR in Japanese: 福岡県福岡市博多区博多駅南6-7-23. Their phone number is: 92-473-4555.

Just follow the green line, this one is really easy, only about 10 min walk. And sorry I have no idea what those little swastikas on the map are for. The consulate is the little grey building at the top! The address: Fukuoka-shi, Chiuo-ku Jigyohama 1-3-3, 福冈市中央区地行浜1-3-3. Phone number: 92-713-1121.

Some notes: The consulate has English visa application forms but that’s about it, everything else is in Chinese and Japanese, and there’s little to no English signage. The people working there also have some limited English, so make sure you’ve got everything in order first, follow the instructions here and you should be ok. If not the Japanese secret police waiting outside will kidnap you and feed you to the robots (there’s a robot museum right by the consulate!)

If you get lost and need to take a taxi, they are expensive starting at Y550 to get into, but the drivers are generally quite helpful, and they all have those GPS TV map gismos. The ride from the hostels to the consulate is about 3500 yen give or take.

You’ll probably end up spending more money than if you had gone to HK, but damn, if you’ve already been there a few times, Fukuoka is a breath of fresh air (both literally and figuratively of course).

I must apologize for a little post I wrote a while back about the medical test you need to take for your visa, and how it should be the first thing you do. As it turns out I was talking smack. The first thing you should you need to get on what will seem like an eternal quest to acquire legal status in China is the temporary residence permit. It may also be called simply the residence permit. I like to think of it as the legitamizer. Legally, you need get this within 24 hours of moving to your new residence in China. Illegally you don’t need to do a damn thing, hell you could go take a dump on a portrait of Mao if you’re the thrill seeking type.

My knowledge of this elusive little pink piece of papier chiffon was amiss, not unlike most of my other thoughts. I went to the university registrar to check out how my health examination went and forge ahead with the visa application. The test showed that I was healthy but in rapid decline as was normal for those new to mandarin air quality. They then told me I needed this so-called residence permit because I wasn’t living on campus. From what I’ve been told through highly unreliable sources, in normal cases your company or school get this done for you (although you may want to double check on that to be safe). So I had been presented with yet another mission. I set forth immediately to claim my queerly coloured proof of property proprietorship. Little did I know the lovely prizes that awaited those who had failed to get the form within the 24-hour window. Criminal charges, fingerprints, and a 1000RMB fine. Yes those can all be yours for not getting the form done right away.

Ironically (isn’t everything in China?) this is the easiest step of getting a visa, all you have to do is go to the local police station nearest your dwelling, bringing with you a copy of your tenancy agreement and passport (always make the photocopies yourself, never expect them to do it for you because they will only laugh at your pompousness for thinking that you could use the brand new photocopier that’s sitting behind them), as well as the originals and they fill a form out for you and stamp it. My case was different. It was special. Because I had been illegally residing in the city of Qingdao for a month now, I got to take a trip to the back of the office. The office had about two or three other officers sitting in the room all smoking like the chimneys outside and glaring at me just like I had walked into a scene of a John Woo flick. I then met what seemed to be the boss in charge of these types affairs, as he was sitting behind the largest desk at the end of the room. We proceeded to go through what I needed and what I did wrong. He also explained to me what the penalties were. Now I don’t know how things work normally, but I do know this is China, and I know that rules here are like turns on an F1 circuit. They may be tough, but you get points for getting around them as fast as you can.

I quickly reached into my invisible backpack I keep on me and put on my weepy ignorant foreigner hat, apologizing but also staying firm on the fact that I had no idea I needed to get this stuff right away. No one told me I needed to get it, not the rental agent, my landlord or even the school until now. This was the honest truth. I was doing this all in my broken “diligent Chinese student” Chinese. The boss seemed to appreciate this, and the fact that there was a cop who translated the few…Ok, FINE…everything I didn’t understand also helped out. Things seemed to be going well. Then he noticed I was Canadian. He was suddenly taken aback. “Oh you’re a Canadian are you? Well just hold on a minute there, I need to make a phone call.” After talking a bit on the phone much faster than I could understand, and his friend cared to translate, he told me to take the phone. On the other end was what I gather was either his wife or his friend’s wife. She explained to me that she really liked Canadians because her English teacher was one and he was just a swell guy. Saved. To make short this little experience, the boss told me not to do it again, not to have any wild parties in my apartment without inviting him and if I accommodated any other foreigners and they try and pull this same stunt they would wind up as organ donors.

To summarize, if you are moving to China, when you get here after getting your tenancy forms, make sure you get your temp residence permit right away. Yes things went well for me, but remember, I have a horseshoe stuck up my ass, and I killed the only man who could do that for you with my bare hands.

One of the first and most important things you will need to do, is get your residence permit, after you get this and want to apply for a long term visa (residence, work ( Z ) and study ( X ) 6 months or more), go get a medical test. While I can understand the very simple minded logic behind this rule, it really serves no purpose. People who come to China on short term visas don’t have to get them done, with the exception of a brief questionnaire on entry, which anyone with half a brain can lie on. Assuming you were sick with something contagious and you wanted to go to China, there would be nothing stopping you. The irony is that the people who do take the tests, are at a much higher risk of getting hit by a bus/birdflu/being forced to drink the awful beer, than Chinese being at risk from them. Despite this, rules are rules and today was examination day.

I arrived at the testing complex around 10am, and wandered around trying to find which building and which reception office to go to, after a little while I found it on the second floor of a main building. They quickly rush you through some paperwork, and then point you towards the gauntlet. I should note to anyone that is going to the exam for the first time, remember to bring a copy of your passport and a passport photo, or else you will have to go down the street like I did and get it done, which cost me about 25Y which I know isn’t much, but very inconvenient and pushes you back in the overall queue. At this medical clinic, they only doing testing for foreigners for the visa, because of this, they run a very tight ship, which puts you through five different tests in about an hour.

The first test I had was the blood pressure/heartbeat thing. Very simple, the doctor/nurse/random joe checked my pulse and then proceeded to quickly scribble down some numbers and sign a bunch of parts on the paper work they have you carry around. The next test, is some type of cardiological thing, where you lie on a table with your shirt off and they stick suction cups on your boobs while a machine makes a printout that looks like an polygraph. The following test is similar, only I believe it was an ultrasound. You lie on another table and take off your shirt, the guy rubs you up with some goo and then really grinds this plastic appendage all over your torso. It was hard not to laugh, especially because while the guy was doing this to me he was in a loud conversation with his significant other on the cell phone. After that, came the blood test. You stick your arm through a window, just like a drive through, and they take out a generous portion of blood. As a bonus I got to find out my blood type is O. They do take a damn lot of blood though, and I was feeling pretty dizzy. I somehow managed to make it to the next test where they did some kind of nuclear/x-ray type analysis with a giant machine, while i was crushed against part of it in a compromising position watching the person in the control room smile and give me the thumbs up.

There were dozens of other people going through these tests at the same time as me so it was either a highly efficient or really sloppy operation they have going on. You decide.

The costs of all the tests was 313 yuan plus 10Y for the shipping deal, because they ship the results right to the school in three days instead of me picking it up. Thats a pretty good deal considering it cost me 40Y taxi to get there and back. So I wound up paying about 388Y for the whole shebang. I’m of no authority to say whether the tests, procedures and equipment will even produce any worthwhile results (I’m not holding my breath), but if it lets me stay in the country without having to make a trip to Hong Kong every two months then I’m all for it. Plus I got to play hooky because they only do the exam in the morning…nice!